Time to change direction, a time to bank life’s path. A time to awaken…
Struggling with the 3am phone calls, wanting so badly to answer, but the story is always the same. “You are the love of my life”, “I want to marry you”, “I hate my life without you in it”. Does a “Drunk mind, speak a sober heart”??
The flood gates open, the words flow, however this doesn’t mean that the alcohol has the effect of a truth serum. They surround themselves with those less intelligent, then find an excuse to drink. Was Hemingway right?
With my ex, all of his indiscretions are blamed on his obvious disease, alcohol. However, through the years he has done nothing to challenge that disease knowing how its affect damages the people in his life.
A selective memory of what he does while under the influence is the general day after. Everything he does is without the regard as to what he does to those that love and care about him while he is under that influence.
It is the excuse for infidelities, lies, broken promises, disappointments, hurtful words and so on. The day after seems like a nightmare in itself as he goes through his PAWS (post alcohol withdrawal syndrome). Sometimes you feel like you would rather he be drunk, because sober he is a real asshole most the time and not very good company.
Narcissist use the word “Love” as one of the tools to obtain supply. They see it as their gift to you, that they “love you”, so it makes it okay for them to use you. They extract everything that they need, at the expense of others emotions, well being, health, finances… life!
Those calls come day or night nonetheless, but its within your control to accept them, or not to continue the connection.
Wait! Aren’t you sleeping in another’s bed? Didn’t you leave me and then blame me so you could leave me without guilt, to be in this other’s bed? Isn’t that real? Were we real? Is anything real with you?
Echo should hear…
Don’t answer the phone. Don’t fall for it again, he’s just drunk and alone. You are not the love of his life, because he doesn’t know what is needed to love in life (that pains me). He is going to say, “I love you more than life itself, to the best of my ability to love”. So, he knows it breaks the heart and it’s his lack of ability to share his.
We long so badly for the man to be the one that made us fall in love with him, but we feel nothing but disappointment, over and over. It is almost ridiculous. You know the truth, don’t want to accept it, think that its going to be different, but you still know the reality. The layer of this onion will only bring tears with every layer pealed. There really is no reward, there is no happy ending with a narcissist.
I have been a foolish woman. I stood by a man that cheated on me throughout our relationship. I went into some sort of crazy denial, supported by his “gaslighting” that it was all in my head, my irrational jealous feelings… I watched him cheat on the woman before me, and again the ones after me. It didn’t start out that way, but quickly became that way. There came a time that I was almost complacent being the “Other Woman to the Other Woman” for nearly a decade. What the hell was I thinking?
What kind of person does this to anyone, awakening a spirit of fire from deep within a soul and then, throw a gas mixed water, just to watch it rage and then simmer? So cruel, insensitive, painful for the one who received the Love Bombing, to only realize that its a pattern, a way of life, a norm for the narcissist.
This behavior is part of what takes place causing trauma bonding. It creates an addiction to a person, in a sort of sense. You have invested so much of yourself into them, you have a difficult time separating. Its like a game of bait and catch, the carrot and the stick… Call it what you want, it is all a sadistic trick to maintain their “supply”, to be added to their harem, have a back up and keep you hanging indefinitely. Until you decide not to, that is… NO CONTACT is the only answer, or everytime you replenish yourself from the hurt and chaos that they cause, they hoover around again and start the process all over, until you have nothing left to offer once more.
This Trauma Bond is a bond, but it’s not one of love, but of addiction and develops from the abuse you experience during the tug of war of your mind and heart as its played. You are my “Soulmate”, they may say. But honestly the only soul is within the one that has one. There is no “soul” mating with one that is soulless. This is not said to be mean, the truth is that someone that suffers from a Personality Disorder of narcissism has an empty hole in place where a soul would dwell.
We could spend a lifetime trying to fill that hole, reach for that soul, however it has never developed, therefore… is missing. “A Soul with No Footprints”, as I have once heard, leaves no imprint on life. The narcissist casually passes on by, never looking back, touching what it is they want, and leaves like a thief in the night, leaving destruction and tormented hearts. They lack emotional empathy.
How did they get that way? There are many reason’s that a narcissist is the way they are. Many suffer from addiction as well (as in my case, he was a serious alcoholic), because they use their drug of choice to numb their pain. I’ve heard that one for years first hand.
The day after’s are generally roller coasters. They forget what they have said, or just said what they did to obtain the reaction, attention or supply, once again. They love to tempt those waters. When rejected, a narcissist suffers “narcissistic injury” and I can assure you that they are tormented by that.
My ex-narcissist use to say “silence is deadly”, the silent treatment is used as one of their favorite punishments. This takes away what little worth you may feel you are to the narcissist and conditions you to believe that you are expendable, without loss to them.
Oh, don’t let this become part of your psyche. You are VERY valuable… you were chosen by the narcissist to offer a unique supply that they were unable to obtain from someone else. If they continue to hoover you over and over, you know that the bee is seeking the nectar from this flower. Know this is not out of love or adoration for you, but for only the nectar. The bee will fly off to seek another supply too, but may be back tomorrow to revisit this flower (if you let them).
THEY NEED MULTIPLE SUPPLY
Narcissists need outside sources to make them feel complete. Funny, the ones abused have the same need. Both are not feeling fulfilled within themselves. What a terrible shame that a narcissist will never change, and those that love them struggle with letting them go, because they want to be the one that does. It’s a never ending battle with a well recognized personality disorder that destroys everyone that it touches.