All Shook Up Again
"Ins and Outs" of a Narcissistic Relationship
A Narcissist Valentine’s Day Awakening With No Trust Left To Give
Valentine’s Day….
~ None the different than days gone by… There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~
This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…
Amen to this I say… alive, still here and searching for all the secure future foundations to rebuild, while watching each step closely before taken.
Thank you for the reminder, but you can keep your flowers and apologies, they mean nothing anymore…
How A Narcissist Destroys And Disarms Their Victims
The narcissist can never let it be known what they have done to their victims. This would taint them with a lingering foul smell, that would prevent them from obtaining new sources of supply that they need to survive. You will be a sacrificial lamb and know there have been many before you and surly to be many after you.
The narcissist must destroy everything in their path to cover up what they do. They are unable to proceed forward in their lives without doing so. They thrive on the attention that is drawn from others, based on the drama they create. They will orchestrate any scenario just to watch how their victim will react in pain and disbelief. No one can sanely possibly understand how they can be so callus and cruel. Unless of course, you understand narcissism!
A narcissist causes chaos and malcontent, because of their unstable, unpredictable behavior. They will never feel guilt or remorse for their actions, for that muscle has never developed in their souls and heart. They covertly destroy their victims, before it becomes clear that they are the creator and masters of the games in the playground witnessed.
The paranoia that a narcissist hides has them believe that every action that surrounds them is a set up to catch them in the process of their dirty deeds. A quick, strategic cover up must be in place before their mask falls and is revealed. If you pay attention, you can even see the change in their characteristics just prior to this occurring.
They MUST destroy the credibility of those that they have abused. It is a classic trait with this personality disorder. They will attempt to annihilate anyone that knows the truth about them, before they can be unmasked and will do ANYTHING they can to reverse the view of their persona onto their victim, making the victim appear crazy and delusional! A malignant narcissist knows how to perfectly set up the scene. When they know they have tripped up, they just reverse the roles of their actions of abuse and guilt. This will occur with anyone that crosses their path, from friends and lovers to family and co-workers.
Why do they do this?
Self-survival and entertainment is their objective. They need to extract from a source their needed supply with little to no effort of giving anything back. Because you see… it is not their nature to give, but to take.
They will set out to sabotage any circumstance that will bring their source any sense of security, love, control or stability. They must knock their victims off their feet at just the right time, to assure that they have the upper hand that keeps their victim confused, unstable and off guard.
The best opportune times that the narcissist will strike, is when their victim is looking forward to something special. A holiday, special occasion, something the victim is excited about that was promised, will fail. They will use this time to cause disappointment, hurt and inflict injury upon their victim, keeping them waiting, longing and even make them submissive to the narcissists needs and time frames. This is part of their conditioning of their victim for the ride that is yet to come.
When their victim is suffering a loss or fear, they are at their weakest most vulnerable time and can become very easily roped into this cycle of abuse. The control is premeditated by the narcissist. The twists of terms of any circumstance will be altered by the narcissist, avoiding proof of them being the core of the chaos. They begin the psychological warfare with their victims causing illusions, projections and facades of the reality. This confuses their victims in a time of need, hope and despair. The narcissist will pathologically lie, project and gaslight their victims until the victim believes it themselves and accepts the blame for whatever the narcissist accuses them of. Victims will succumb to this abuse and will do almost anything just to stop the hurt and try to preserve what little they receive from the narcissist in regard. The victim begins to no long believe in what is reality, but becomes wrapped up in the illusional world that the narcissist has created.
Traumatized by psychological abuse.
When a person has been psychologically abused by traumatizing events over a periods of time, they remain in the tormented grasp of the narcissist. They begin to believe in and take blame for almost anything that the narcissist projects onto them. They may even beg for forgiveness for things they know they didn’t do or say, just to be in the good graces of this toxic union. This is when it should be recognized that a trauma bonding is being developed.
A narcissist will use many forms of manipulation during this cycle to confuse its prey. What a very strategic game that has been foregone, building a victim up just to rip them down. Such twisted paths are led by this distorted manipulation. They have developed their techniques over their entire lives and have developed expert ways of obtaining what they need out of every source for their supply. A narcissist will do the unthinkable to obtain what they need.
Many narcissists are well educated by their role models in life. They have witnessed these techniques and now mimic them.
Narcissist need to gain what they feel, is their entitled source of power!
With a superior God like ego, the narcissist reflects a false persona of success, strength and power. The reason they do this, is to secure their status in the eyes of others. Their need for validation cannot be filled from within, because deep within their psychological structure, they truly feel inadequate and loath the person they “really” are. I have never been a believer in the cliché “Fake it till you make it”, but in a sense, a narcissist lives their lives this way. Unfortunately, they never make it, because NPD is to embedded in who they are. This personality disorder prevents a narcissist from ever achieving any true success, self-earned.
How many times have you heard your toxic partner say, “I hate my life”, “I wish I was dead”, “Why do you hate me so much?”. Somewhere in between these lines, if you pay attention… they will mention “you” and what role “you” have played in making them feel this way. This is their way of “projection”.
The term for projection in Narcissistic Abuse is called “Gaslighting”.
A narcissist will attempt to make you feel responsible for the way they feel about themselves. This creates the “pity me” scenario that they use to discredit their victims. This lays the foundation for their needed adoration and attention from others When they are consoled in support of becoming the victim, verses their real role as the predator, it strokes their ego sort of speak. In that way, the offer of supply that the narcissist needs is extended by the victim or others in support of them, with nearly no effort made by them.
This replenishes the narcissist’s fallacies of grandeur. It supports their need for validation, something they cannot find within themselves. The narcissist will repeat this cycle until their victim has nothing left to give, making them a “doormat” supply, that grows into them willing giving the narcissist their supply, expecting nothing in return.
If a victim has made themselves absent from the narcissist’s life, or is being blamed for the reasons the narcissist life is failing, a victim will encounter narcissist abuse and trauma bonding that is triggered and try to do anything to “make things right” again.
When a victim is accused of abandoning the narcissist, their conditioned traits draw them back into the narcissist’s web. They are made to feel a term called FOG, which stands for “Fear, Obligation and Guilty“.
The narcissist is driven by their need for attention and adoration and the victim being the source of the supply will almost voluntarily hand it over. A narcissist has had these feelings of self inadequacy long before a victim has ever met them and honestly, there is nothing, no love, status or ego stroke that can be provided that will help them to keep up the image that they need to love themselves, or you!
Why does a narcissist need to destroy, devalued and make their victim look “crazy”?
Long ago, my grandfather told me that “When people get out of control, you get in control”. I can remember, even as a small child, watching the chaos that he would create and then how those around him would respond to it. An outrageous argument would breakout and everything would escalate, causing everyone involved to get emotionally upset, nervous and unstable. This is where the game of ping pong begins. One would blame the other, each would develop their defenses and then there would still be blame and shame for something that never really happened at all. It was all a part of pitching one against another and the chaos that it would create. Sadly, entertainment and attention was the goal. I watched this within my own family since I was old enough to understand and even joined in. Each and every member would try to defend themselves from being guilty of an incident that didn’t exist. But, it was my grandfather that created the scenario for entertainment and attention, for himself that is!
I can remember watching my grandfather take a step back from the argument after he stirred the pot, and then just let it roll among those he involved. He would watched the chaos. After, in a calm and collected voice, he would nod his head, and say “See, this is what I was talking about. Look how out of control you are”. Everything would stop, and then the blame and shame was installed on the ones that were placed in the game played.
When I became of a certain age, these same strategic tactics were played upon me, for I became groomed as well at very young age to think that this chaos was normal. Hence, the conditioning that prepared me in life to fall easily prey to the cycles of abuse with a narcissist. And, of course, take the blame at the end for something that I “didn’t do” and led to believe I had myself.
The conditioned prayer of forgiveness.
Generally, at the end, the victim will apologize, suppressing their real thoughts and feelings just to end the pain and chaos that has occurred. It burns down deep in ones soul when you take blame for something that you had no hands in and submit to a toxic person just to end it. A victim learns to grit your teeth, take the abuse, receive no reward and lose a little more of themselves each time. It never sits right, so as a self-defense, a victim will become numb, or break. There may come a time that a victim will “snap”. The strongest of wills can still be broken. This will be used against the victim too, as their response will be their branded title of “crazy”.
The narcissist will provoke their victims. They will seek their reaction to prove that their victim is out of control. They will not take any responsibility in the cause for their victim’s reaction and most importantly, they will initiate the circumstance to create this scenario for it to be witnessed by those that they have disparaged their victim to. “Ah-ha, there’s the proof, see how crazy they are”. When the victim tries to defend themselves to others that have witnessed this, their credibility will have been damaged. Others will have no idea as to what has caused this person to have such a reaction. Therefore, they look upon the victim as if they are “crazy”, “out of control” and “delusional”. Now the narcissist can just sit back and watch the top spin from the string they have pulled… and they feel justify knowing that they caused it but aren’t receiving any blame for it. They will feel free of any responsibility to the drama and chaos that occurred and now their victim looks like the lunatic that they have been portrayed to everyone that they were.
The Breaking Point.
Even the strongest of people have breaking points. The narcissist has learned just how to get them there too! They will push every button and because they have already been educated on the vulnerabilities of their victim, will pick every scab, slice and dice every nerve and then throw salt onto the open wounds that they afflicted. This abuse over periods of time, has tightened this rubber band and then “snap” goes the victim!
Given the narcissist has such a need to be the center of attention, they use their learned tactics of breaking their victim, just to get the reaction and cause the drama. They seek to gain the pity, sympathy, reassurance and alliance from others. Should their victim finally reach their breaking point, they can use those incidents to prove everything that they had said about them all the while, that now justifies why the narcissist has done what they had. If their “Flying Monkeys” only really knew the true story as to why the victim was reacting in this manner, then the narcissist would lose their “team of followers” that they worked so very hard to obtain through the years. The Cheese would be Standing Alone! That is their biggest fear.
When victims are traumatized over long periods of time, they lose their ability to have emotionless defenses when trying to defend themselves against the harsh words and abusive behavior that they have been subjected to by the narcissist.
A dispirited victim has a difficult time defending their reactions, because of the abuse that had occurred over time. This abuse has brought them to act out of character. Their heart broken, feelings of betrayal, being beaten into a submission that is beyond cognitive understanding. The loss of their self pride, esteem and worth, all play a part in why a victim reacts. Their world is turned upside down and they have now lost the ability to unveil the truth about the narcissist without looking like they are in a state of hysteria. Many people will say “After all, if they were so bad, then why did you stay with them all this time and how could you you say that you love them if they did all of that to you?”.
Just for those that feel the need to make comments to a victim of narcissistic abuse, that further belittles their feelings, know that trauma bonding has occurred, and the victim is suffering from cognitive dissonance and conditioning. Personally, I have a problem with these types type of comments, because when someone says this to a person that has been lost in their relationship with an abuser, they too are unsure as to why they have feelings for them. Saying such things and challenging a victim as to the reason that their emotional attachment remained, is not recognizing as to how it was developed.
Narcissist lack the normal anxiety and fear to responses in heightened events and easily puts on their face of deception to look sane, while their victim appears distraught. They step back and watch the chaos occur and are unwilling to accept any responsibility for it. Therefore, given this isn’t their fault in anyway (they believe), they have succeeded in causing the hurt, pain and embarrassment to their victim and are back in the seat of control. The insult to injury will be when they say, “See, everyone thinks you are crazy”.
Alienation from Support.
Over a period, the narcissist destroys the victim’s ability to defend themselves to others and does whatever possible to alienate their victims from their support systems (friends, family, children). Unfortunately, the victim remaining with the narcissist also damages their credibility to those that do not understand the dynamics of how these relationships develop and continue. This all puts a spin on a victim’s life and the narcissist will covertly sabotage the victims support system.
When abused from traumatic events over and over, a victim will slowly isolate and alienate from others and even parts of their lives. They cannot explain the bond that they have developed with their toxic partner and begin to feel that those that they have turned to will no longer listen or validate their hurt, pain and fears that they experience. While a victim tries to unravel the web they have been caught up in and is trying to see the manipulation that has occurred, it the most critical time for their support system to step up to the plate. Unfortunately, some of that support has been damaged along the way, or the victim has lost confidence in anyone beyond their abuser, so they stop reaching out to the people in their life to share their feelings. Some turn inwardly with their experiences because they are afraid of what others may say and how they will be judged. They start to suppress all that they experience, leaving no outlets to talk through about what has occurred behind closed doors. When this happens, it could become potentially dangerous for the victim. They need an appropriate avenue to release what they think and feel to understand and reset what damage occurred as a result of the manipulation that created their cognitive dissonance. When they don’t have this ability, they can go into a state of hopelessness and feel that there is no way out. It can even push some to the point ending their lives to be relieved of this pain.
How to support those that suffer from toxic abuse.
It is very important that a victim feels safe to share their feelings and thoughts without being judged for having them. It is very difficult for them to express these feelings to begin with, but to be judged while doing so causes almost the same injury as the toxic abuse that they suffered.
Someone that needs to express what has happened to them should be able to with their family and friends, and if not, with a professional that can help guide them to recovery.
They are many groups that support those that go through this type of abuse all over the internet and in local communities. Al-Anon, SLAA, CODA, SONG and many others that can be found on the internet. These groups provide forums and fellowship with those that have experienced abuse from a toxic relationship or partner. Within these groups surrounded by others that have been victims as well, it can become a safe place to share “true” feelings, not just something that others want to hear. These groups can also offer support, friendship, education and validation. I can not stress how important it is to understand this personality disorder. To understand it will support the survival from being the abused of it.
The healing can’t begin, until a victim of abuse is able to express what has/is really happening in their lives and this must be in a place where they feel is safe for them to actually have these feelings. By them doing so, victims are able to go through the process necessary for them to understand what has happened to them and why they have allowed themselves to stay victim to this type of abuse.
Sometimes it is not possible for a victim to share with those closest to them. Sometimes, these are the ones that have helped create their acceptance of this type of behavior to begin with. Those that are closest to the victim may be to frustrated and have their own opinions and haven’t the patience to go through the appropriate steps that are needed to process this trauma without infiltrating the victims feelings about it. “Just get over it” is not as simple for victims of this type of abuse. Some may feel shame and judgement when approaching those closest to them that have witnessed and warned the victim over and over. It actually can cause more harm than good turning to someone to close or intimate to this abuse that doesn’t understand its origin, nature and psychological results.
There are specific groups out there for people that suffer from narcissistic abuse, where others that have experienced it as well, and have a better understanding of the cycles that led the victim to the state they are in. Being victims themselves, they generally show more patience, compassion and understanding.
If there is any hope for a victim to heal and find their way out of the darkness that they have been living, it must be taken “one step at a time”. Each step taken will reveal some type clarity as to how and why they had gotten into this type of relationship to begin with. A true cleansing is needed to heal and will offer them the hope and understanding of how they will survive and never tolerate it again. It is important to stay in the moment, not yesterdays or tomorrows.
Supporters of victims feel that a bulldozer smashing down the house that took years to build is the easiest answer to it all. They don’t stop to think however, that this is where the victim had suffered with their own cognitive conflicts and memories of their life experiences. There is love and hate that have occurred and a conflict of how abuse turned into love. A bulldozer effect could potentially destroy a victims ability to awaken from their abuse, for they will instinctively attempt to defend it, for the have been conditioned for a very long time to do so.
With patience and time, each brick removed represents a piece of the foundation of the life that they have lived. It should even go back further from the time of this event and relationship It will give a victim the ability and opportunity to understand how and why each brick was placed there to begin with. This not only helps with their recovery, it offers them a better understanding to avoid the same circumstances again in the future.
HEALING
Everyone’s healing is done at “their” own pace, not others. If it is forced by those around them, they run right back into the crumbling building as it falls all down around them. It is like coaching a scared cat from under a car. If you approach it too quickly, it will likely run from you, right into the street and potentially be stuck by on coming traffic.
To judge and belittle someone for their feelings or blame them for having them “you got what you asked for”, “you knew what you were dealing with”, does not help a victim rise from this situation, it only helps to suppress their need to share and expel the abuse that they suffered. It is common sense not to abuse the abused, if you have any regard for their healing, avoid this.
Victims should never stay silent. They need to find a trusted group, friend or professional to help before they curl up in a denial of all the feelings they have and the fears of why you have them. If they aren’t able to dissect them, the cycle will never end and they may forever remain in the chaos or continue to seek out the same dynamics in future relationships.
The Joy the Narcissist Gets from Devaluing and Discarding Their Victims.
Almost like a sick joke, the narcissist gets a kick out of what they do to their victims. Just as in Greek Mythology, “Atë wandered about, treading on the heads of men, wreaking havoc and delusion”. The narcissist does the same to their victims. They encourage their victims, distract them from their hopes and then enjoy their failures when they are left injured and in pain.
The narcissist had chosen their sources to serve as a supply for a specific need and purpose in their lives. Each source possesses a unique quality that they have not and have a need for. They seek this needed supply through others, since they are unable to develop this within themselves. They use their victims as tools to reap from the fruits of someone else’s efforts made, nurtured and grown. Once the source is obtained, the narcissist will even use it to hurt the victim. Then of course the discard will occur when their source has nothing left to give and serves no other purpose.
Everyone has something that is worthy and unique for a narcissist to pursue. It just depends upon what their needs may be at the time. A gem to be grasped for a narcissist is a challenge, for they have no interest in breaking down a target that has nothing to offer and is weak. There is no supply or satisfaction in that.
A narcissist will seek out their prey by the qualities that they possess and use their strategic techniques to destroy within the victim, the light, beauty, empathy and intelligence that they offer after they extrapolate what it is they wanted. It quickly becomes a “take it and run” scenario!
A narcissist gets satisfaction from this game of thievery and it strokes their ego to know that they can destroy another while doing it. It is a sick game they play. It may not seem it, but the hard part to believe is they don’t even do it consciously. This is how they have learned to survive.
How to win at their games.
Firstly, there is no way to win in the tango with a narcissist. The winning is when you are set free. Right from the get go, know that the narcissist does not possess true inner feelings of compassion and empathy. They do not feel the same way as any person that has developed and grown into a healthy loving soul. They have an inability to understand or share in a positive manner with anyone. What they believe to be love, is an attempt to pursue their personal gains and will never be fulfilling to anyone else’s, not even their own.
If you were to try to engage in their game of manipulation, you would first need to stop loving and respecting yourself. You would have to abandon your beliefs in empathy, compassion and remorse. You would need to step down to low levels of pain and self-destruction for where there is no light shining and you may never find your way out if you dare to enter. This is not a place that you will find happiness, satisfaction or personal accomplishment. There is no winning against a narcissist, so please don’t make this your goal.
The only way to end the games that the narcissist engages you in, is moving on and getting away. Increase your knowledge of this personality disorder to save yourself from a lifetime of hurt and misery. Take what you have learned from this relationship, specifically what you have learned about yourself and self-validate your soul so you can resurrect, before sinking deeper into the quicksand.
Use everything that you have learned by your experience with the narcissist to heal what is within you that brought you to your knees with this toxic person. Use this lesson to nurture yourself, heal and grow. Know that you deserve better and will have better, when you are no longer willing to except less.
Shield yourself from the toxic overgrowth that has infiltrated your resources. Redevelop the love and compassion that you have given to the narcissist and now give it to yourself!
Each Source Offers a Different Narcissist Supply There is ALWAYS More Than One!
Yes, The Narcissist has a superior talent and ability to obtain resources. One should consider their expertise in this way of life.
Narcissist have developed the tools needed to obtain from each and every victim what it is that they need for their “Narcissistic Supply”, when they need it!
You are NEVER the only one! There is ALWAYS another one waiting in the wings, being lined up and prepared to fill in when and where you don’t and can’t. You very well are the other one for another now. That one thing, that one need you may fill for the Narcissist… that one special thing that you have been chosen to fulfill in their life… is your purpose for them.
Whatever it is that you give, know that it falls into the never ending black pit of a person with this personality disorder, and no matter the contribution that you make, it will never fill that hole.
Beware!!
Always have your eyes open! Know that there really is another that will fill those shoes. Another victim awaiting for your shoe to drop, so they can fill it! They too will think that they are special, that they are the “ONE”, but really there is no “ONE”, there are many!
There is no possible way that any one person can fulfill the needs of a Narcissist. The Narcissist requires many sources to satisfy their needs for attention, adoration with a variety of sex, intelligence, status and personal prosperity.
The only solace you may find is knowing this, the other is no different than you, just another victim to the same prey.
If you dare to be jealous or envious, don’t be! Once you see the story that you have lived from the outside, its sad, hurtful and it becomes hauntingly obvious how the cycles repeat. The same story, different Actors and Actresses.
The New Supply or Other Supply will receive the same treatment and suffer the same cycle. It never fails!
Lost in Cognitive Dissonance with a Narcissist?
“Cognitive Dissonance”, knowing the right from wrong and still trying to justify the wrong to be right… even though it makes no sense, not even to yourself.
Lost in Cognitive Dissonance with a Narcissist!
Know that it is not you. You may recognize how at times you act and behave out of character, we all have! We accept blame as the Narcissist conditions us to believe it is all our fault. Whatever may have failed, the Narcissist will not accept blame, for it would require them to be accountable for their actions and behavior. This is the Narcissist performing their projection to gaslight you. A common defense that they are gifted with and have used throughout their lifetime to protect themselves from looking into a mirror.
Gaslighting is a common trait during the “Dance with the Devil”. There is a flow of many notes to a melody for this waltz that we chose to dance. The partner that we dance with however, suffers greatly from this personality disorder that you must learn to understand to survive. You likely didn’t know that your partner suffered from NPD when you started. As time goes by, we start to experience our rational gut instincts that lets us know something is wrong… even if you are not sure what that something is.
When Cognitive Dissonance starts to play havoc with our ability to reason right from wrong. From the beginning, know that you are choosing to dance, but when the signs come about that this is a toxic relationship, DO NOT IGNORE them. If you continue to deny, discount or even try to rationalize, after your gut feels and natural instincts tell you that something isn’t right, you will surly fall deeply into a world that is a manifestation of the Narcissist and what they create and want you to believe. If you continue to dance, know that this is your choice, and you really need to look at why you still wanting to dance with a partner, that will pass you off to another in a heartbeat…. or worse yet, leave you standing on the floor alone!
You may not have known from the instant you met the Narcissist that you were involved with someone that has this personality disorder. They can be very charming, charismatic and deceiving. This is their way of life, it does not change, they are in it for survival. Somewhere along the way however, you were sure to see the Red Flags. When challenging what didn’t appear to make sense, you were likely being conditioned to have a different perspective then what you felt in your gut was really going on.
Narcissist fit you for blinders to keep your focus on only what they want you to believe. You will gladly follow their lead, when they serve a purpose of filling the blanks in your life. This is something that you need to discover about yourself to stop. You have likely been told that things were your “imagination”, you are “manic”, “crazy” or created this situation yourself. Oh what a illusion they create, the backdrop to a spinning tunnel. You become confused and get lost between what is real and what is not. You are made to believe it is their way, or no way, leaving your longing to hold tight to what once was the “love of your life”, or may you have thought. During the grooming stages of an unhealthy toxic relationship, conditioning becomes part of the glue (bonding) that keeps you longing and wanting.
After the initial love bombing stages, you have fallen into what you believe to be love and chaos begins. You are left with the puzzle of how to rekindle the love, passion, adoration that you once felt. The goods that you were sold, were damaged from the get go, but maybe you didn’t see it, or maybe you thought you could fix it. Sort of like the “Beauty and the Beast” story… However, this one isn’t to be romanced in that way. From the get go, the narcissist has a plan, you play a part in it and are sure to be left in confusion at that the end.
A Narcissist surly knows how to keep you longing and on your toes, off balance during this time. Some may even introduce through triangulation an old lover, that of course is still a “only a friend” . They will make you believe that they are wanted by many, because they have developed a harem of followers that are all believing that they are special too in the Narcissist’s life. They are you, know each and every one fills a role of supply that the Narcissists needs to continue their journey. Be it adoration, status, sex, money… each has their roll to play, because not one could possibly fill that role totally. Some of you out there may think “I play that role in the relationship” and you may well. However, a Narcissist grows bored and needs a variety. I am sure that over time you began to see those signs, the loss of attention, coming and going.
A Narcissist will go from idealizing you, to devaluing you is a seconds time. If you have fallen head over heels for this relationship, if the oxytocin has been awoken it your brain, you are on for the ride! Don’t get too excited about this, the thrills are just as frightening as the chaos when it begins. This will be nothing less than an out of control rollercoaster ride that you will end with you begging to stay on, even after it makes you sick! Yes, that’s what I said… you “wanting” to remain on!!
The conditioning that occurs during this time is part of the on again, off again triggered chemicals of the brain, that leave you longing and wanting more or something that once made you feel wonderful, that now makes you sick. You want to fix whatever has gone wrong, trying to recapture what you thought you once had (that wasn’t real by the way). This chaotic mess becomes a norm, a habit and something that can be compare to addiction. Some become so wrapped up in the toxicity of this relationship, they will even begin to believe that they deserve it! Years will pass, many at that if you allow it, and yes it is you that can stop it or allow it! “I love them is why I stay”, is not the correct answer to this. You are suffering from the need to deny and the addiction to them as a result of the trauma bonds that have been created.
Now what is Love…?
Have you forgotten what genuine love, compassion and partnership really is? I know that I got lost in the cycle and had forgotten. Sometimes our common sense skips a beat with triggers of what we believe love to be and what we share with a Narcissist. Know that there is just something not right here. I have heard many stories from the followers from my site The Red Flag Society, and honestly have believed it myself at times that what I shared with my Narcissist was no more beyond what I had heard in the stories of others. We forget what it is like to love and be loved. You cast aside what we know is deserved in a healthy loving relationship. How it feels to be secure, cherished and adored has been lost. These aren’t just words to be said, they are actions. Love, when experienced in a relationship is a verb, “to cherish, adore, have affection for” , but a Narcissist uses the word “love” falsely, as a noun “an assurance of affection” .
Those that have been involved in a toxic relationship with a Narcissist gradually find love (the verb) foreign to receive as it was meant to be use as “to fall in love with another” . After time, the abuse, gaslighting, trauma bonds all becomes something you learn to accept as “love” . When in “Love” with the Narcissist, their action actually become something that we think is acceptable.
THIS IS NOT LOVE!
Love is an emotion when you adore someone, respect them, want to share everything equally in each other’s worlds… Not just by words, but by actions. Desire, lust and small gestures are not love. Fidelity, chivalry, dedication, honesty… Will come from the mouth of the Narcissist as they pretend to act out all these behaviors. They put up their “False Self” and pretend to act and say what it is they what you to believe. What they are feeling and doing are very different. They will perform this charade just long enough for them to obtain from you the supply that they need.
They display small efforts, in increments as well, just enough to show their “love” and adoration, which makes you feel like something is growing between these two souls that have met. Only, you are actually developing a soulless tie to another. They make you believe they are the loving caring person you want to believe they are, and surly will let you know there must be something wrong with “YOU” when you don’t see their efforts made. These efforts are minimal and momentary, not endearing or enduring. You will be the one that is accused of acting crazy when you confront them with things that don’t appear as they seem and dare to question.
The Narcissist is INCAPABLE of…
- seeing that their behavior is inappropriate
- having feelings that healthy people share when in love
- being accountable for their actions, excepting blame
- able to understand that their actions hurt you
It is very significant for you to understand that the Narcissist is truly “incapable” of sharing the same rational thoughts as you. Many of them know right from wrong, know what they are doing may effect others, but they are incapable of having the same ability of conscious that makes them accountable for what it is that they do. Their personality disorder results in their their inability to understand that what they say, how they hurt you, as being wrong. They see you as as a target to obtain their needed supply. With this said, know they will do what they ever needed to fill their voids, just like a drug addict will do a drug, or an alcholic, take a drink.
Have you noticed that the Narcissist has an addictive behavior as well? Gambling, infidelities, OCD, drugs/drinking, porn… whatever their vices. The Narcissist doesn’t wake-up thinking that today “let me ruin a life”. They think, “today, how to get what I need”. It is about them, not you! They haven’t an understanding, nor the emotional ability to have the empathy to recognize what they do to others. This is part of their disorder. Their empathy switch is shut on off, permanently!
You see, a Narcissist somewhere along their life has been conditioned too!
A Narcissist must project onto you, their faults, their actions, their change of heart, their need to gain more supply, by making it appear that “you” did something to cause the seperation. This way is appears to those around them that they haven’t the fault and they can still look good in everyone else’s eyes. It will be their excuse to move on to a better “option”. Oh, don’t worry about that either, because they hoover over and over…
A Narcissist must make it seem that your “reactions” are “actions”, verses a response to what they have said or have created. They can not see, well maybe they can see… But don’t really care… that “they” have developed the path that they have lead you down, just to bring you to the point of breaking! This is so they can justify why “you” are the reason for their actions, verses them. An easy out as to why everything fails! They must blame you for “your” over reaction to a situation that “they create”. For them to admit that they created the circumstance, means that they will need to be accountable for what they do. A Narcissist will never be accountable, as we have already historically seen.
A Narcissist will wave it around, and then…
The attack… directly to the heart….
Evil wins… Good dies…
Imagine a dagger of Kryptonite being stabbed into your heart until it runs cold… It drains you of all your energy, purity, emotions that you have shared and given to the Narcissist… And then BANG!! You feel it, you feel everything slipping through from your heart. You feel that what was left of you, slowly drip with every beat… leaving you to die inside a very slow death. The ending of a love that you thought was once… the love of your life… left without answers, endings or regard.
A life partner that adores you, that is healthy enough to have these real emotions, feelings and actually share an ability to express them, respect you, regard you… would never try to destroy the beautiful qualities of a person that is in love with them or they truly love. True love will never resonate with a Narcissist.
One of the hardest things I had found challenging when in the relationship with a Narcissist was the “Dissonance”.
“Dissonance; lack of agreement the dissonance between the truth and what people want to believe; especially: inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one’s actions and one’s beliefs.”
~Webster’s dictionary
When trying to rationalize the irrational we go through the challenges of words verses actions. What we know to be right verses what is wrong within the substance of our relationship. Some people are stronger than others. Some are able to escape the dissonance, others succumb to the Narcissistic abuse and loose their ability to have clear sight on who and what the Narcissist really is. It is hard to find your way from the darkness that creeps upon you in these relationships. What you know to be right becomes in conflict with you trusting your own gut feelings and what is obviously rational. You have been told for so long that your instinct was just your imagination, that you actually begin to believe it!
I heard a caption in a movie once where a therapist was speaking to a woman that was suffering from panic attacks. She wasn’t sure as to why she was having them, given the triggers were not leading to clues of her life experiences. The therapist asked her why she thought she was having these panic attacks and the woman replied…
“Because I no longer trust people.”
The therapist response was…
“You see, it’s not people that you don’t trust, it is you not trusting yourself. You need to allow yourself to go with your gut feelings and know that it will guide you in the right directions”
TRUST YOUR GUT!!
When we are conditioned to not go with our instinctive gut feelings, we loose our able to trust ourselves in the decisions we make. This causes stress on our psyche and in some has caused panic attacks triggered by just everyday events.
A condition called C-PTSD, which stands for Complex Post Stress Disorder, is a condition one suffers from being subjected over time to a traumatic events, abuse to include powerlessness. It is much different from PTSD, for which is a condition that develops when an individual experiences, is witness to a traumatic exposure or event. Many people confuse these two types of diagnosis.
Many people that remain in toxic abuse relationships over time develop C-PTSD, as they have been conditioned to the abuse and suffer many triggers that are in their everyday life. Therefore, to reprogram ones mind to react differently to these triggers is far more difficult to achieve and not something that will occur over night. That is why people can’t “Just get over it” (how I hate when people say that…).
“Should I stay or should I go” ~ The Clash
We question why we stay? Sometimes it is to painful to leave. Once you are involved in a toxic relationship that creates a trauma bonding and you begin to see it in the irrational perspective of the Narcissist’s projected view. You are challenged to undo the mind manipulation and programming that has occurred. Their crazy rollercoaster ride is generally blamed on something you obviously did, what you have been made to believe you did that is.
DO NOT buy this… Not for a minute!! You can not accept blame for an inherent trait that developed within the Narcissist long before you ever even knew them! Don’t even second guess that!
Most of us grow up knowing the differences between what is right from wrong. Some may have grown-up with an exposure to this same type of abusive behavior and now mistaken it for love. How crazy is that you think…? Not crazy at all. “Familiarity breeds Content”, as my Grandfather use to say.
Abuse Equals Love? Really?
A Narcissist develops their way of thinking and creates their own rhythm of behavior to obtain sources they need to survive. They have grown into their traits that have served them well. It has become nature and necessary for them to survive, despite they will never admit to it. This is a part of the foundation of who they are. It becomes part of their make-up, character. There is no changing this. The only way to repair this broken house is to tear it down to the dirt and rebuild, brick by brick. There really isn’t enough time in their lifetime to do this. They have developed these traits out of their needs to survive. They know no other way. They have grown up in this sort of life themselves. Maybe an abusive parent or absent one. The youngest of siblings that needed to standout to be recognized. The child that found if “I’m going to be accused of it, why not do it” mentality. Any reaction, is some sort of supply to them.
“A little note here, this is why No Contact makes them crazy”
Narcissists seek out their sources very strategically to obtain the “supply” that they need. These traits are developed at very early stages in their life. A Narcissist knows what to do to get the reactions from the “Source” that will give to them the “Supply” that they need at “that” time. Recognize, this is incidental. It could be as simple an example as how bad behavior as a child got them “a” reaction, any reaction. There is no differentiation between negative or positive results. It is just the reaction or the attention that they seek. Through life a Narcissist develops a behavior pattern that creates the results they want to achieve “their” goals, needs and desires. Your are just one of the tools they use to get there.
A Codependent is a perfect suitor for the Narcissist!
A Codependent personality develops in very similar ways as the Narcissist’s. A Codependent will act out as a people-pleaser. They have found that performing people pleasing actions will bring to them the same attention they need and desire. A clear example of this could be how they may do something they know they shouldn’t, just to please someone else. This is a part of dissonance as well. A Codependent will do things that will put themselves in harms way for the sake of saving someone else, even their abuser. They seek a source of attention (some may refer to it as a project) and they use their similar inherit traits to help a Narcissist This trait makes them easy prey to the Narcissistic abuse. Their experiences in life with similar, if not the same type of abuse, is generally how their behavioral patterns were created.
Codependents must learn to assert strong boundaries while wrapped up in their people pleasing behavior. A Narcissist will easily extort the Codependent’s good nature of wanting to sacrifice their well-being for another. A reprogramming of the way they react to situations or toxic people is a step toward them protecting themselves from those, that by nature, will take advantage of them. There are many books and videos available on the internet that offer practice guides on how to develop these skills.
Codependent’s starve for a need to be needed, wanted and feel that they can achieve this by self sacrifice and by giving. They seek attention no differently than a Narcissist, just in a different manner and by a much different trait. Their needs are similar to that of the Narcissist. Both know what they need to do to get what they want for the results are both forms of supply.
While A Narcissist is “selfish”, a Codependent is “selfless”.
The Narcissist is destructive, the Codependent is self destructive.
The Narcissist is a predator, the Codependent the prey.
The perfect fit of Yin & Yang.
Both of these personality disorders don’t really change over ones lifetime. Truly, both need to curb their behavior and place significant boundaries if they do not want to injury themselves, or anyone else. If a Narcissist recognizes that they suffer from this personality disorder, they need to try not to take advantage of others when they are in their pursuit of “Source and Supply”. However, that is like asking a vampire not to suck the blood out of you! A Codependent on the other hand, must learn that their people pleasing behavior will not achieve their goals without deteriorating their well-being. They MUST learn to place boundaries to prevent those that are toxic from taking advantage of them. A Narcissist will not have any regard for another’s kind, selfless, giving traits. This match is very common and is perfect for the dance with a Narcissist for obvious reasons. But, this is a very dangerous playground for a Codependent.
Why doesn’t my support system understand….?
People that have not experienced this cycle generally do not understand the complexity of this type of relationship. Each plays their own role. Those that have lived this cycle somehow think that their circumstance(s) and relationship(s) have been different than yours… Oddly enough, most that will criticize you for having these feelings of loving a Narcissist, generally have loved one as well. Those that have not experienced a toxic relationship, or do not share the qualities of a Codependent and can clearly see what the codependent can’t. People grow frustrated and tired of trying to offer advise and even some will become cruel out of frustration. To them which is obvious, to you is not. Imagine someone telling you there is a wall in front of you, and you keep speeding toward it! They scream, they yell… they may even throw themselves in front of you. But, you don’t listen, you keep speeding toward that wall. They can’t make you see what you do not.
Which brings us back to the “Cognitive Dissonance”
The people in your life that love you, know you for years, know you before the Narcissist in your life, such as family, friends… all wonder, “What the heck are you doing?“. I personally experienced an inability to explain this to others when I was asked. This is part of the “Cognitive Dissonance”, knowing the right from wrong and still trying to justify the wrong to be right… even though it made no sense, not even to myself.
When we know things that occur are not right, when we know that another is acting in ways that is unacceptable to just about anyone that is healthy in standards… We have a want to defend their behavior, hide the circumstances, pretend that such isn’t really happening. We try to protect our core feelings by doing this. We have been conditioned and believe that “No one knows my Narcissist as well as I do” …
This is not true, it really is NOT true! We want to believe that we know them better than anyone and you may know the patterns… Only, your rational thought has been altered by the conditioning of the abuse that you have experienced when you had dared to believe differently in the Narcissist. Therefore, in a polite way said… YOUR NOT THINKING RIGHT! Not right enough to really see or understand that you are wrapped up in is an abusive toxic relationship.
You have forgotten what is right because of how you have been conditioned to believe what is wrong. You have become the victim to the Narcissist’s masked face, seeing only what you once saw they were, which is the “False Self”. The one you met during the “Love Bombing” stage. The one that previously put you on the pedestal and promised you the world. How wonderful all the love and adoration, so intense, so seductive. Your thoughts are now clouded. Dr. Jekyll really is Mr. Hyde!
If you have found this site or others like it, you are looking for an understanding of why you love the unlovable. The narcissist betrays and you haven’t really ever known their “True self”. They don’t even know their real self. The Narcissist will always believe they are justified in their actions and will slaughter those that love them when ever challenged or are threatened to be demasked. You will go from being the sun that lights the sky (for which is how they once portrayed you to everyone they knew), to becoming the dark, crazy, obsessive maniac that causes their life to not go as they planned… This is how they justify what they have done to everyone they know. It gives them a good reason why they had to replace you with a new supply. You have now become the sacraficial lamb on theit “slanderous” campaign. The Narcissist needs to do this to retain their mask.
Don’t believe that this behavior is directed toward only you. They will treat their family, co-workers, friends and yes, even their children the same way. Unfortunately, children grow up seeing this behavior as normal and begin to believe or mimic it as the think it is right. Or, they will submit to it becoming the Yin to a Yang, trying for a lifetime to please the unpleasable. Some children of a Narcissistic parents will become wiser for it, or as time goes by, find shame, embarrassment. They become confused and may unfortunately without the right guidance, become prey to more narcissistic predator throughout their lifetime.
When a healthy partner, friend, family member, professional, teaches a developing mind that is seeking vision into their trauma bonding to a Narcissist, they must help the victim to see the world for the way it really is. They can help to recondition the heart of those that have loved a Narcissist. To help someone through the process of what they have experienced you must have patience, compassion and true insight of the trauma bond that they have been exposed to. Some help isn’t always the right help. Judgement must be left outside the door.
There is always a development of “Dissonance” when trauma bonded to the Narcissist. When we think about it and try to rationalize it, we go to war within our own belief system. This happens almost the same way logic becomes corrupted in a computer. The Blue Screen pops up and you are about to lose all of your data and go into a total panic mode. You get nervous trying to figure out how you are going to prevent this from happening. Before the seconds tick by and everything you have invested into this relationship disappears, every minute of the time you have spent with your Narcissist is all erased… you go into a total panic stricken mode and it scares the hell out of you!
If you have found this article, it is likely time to re-boot!!
Take the opportunity when it is given to re-boot the way you think without loosing all of your personal data, only what was programmed into your mind, heart and soul by the Narcissist. Don’t allow what you know to be wrong be altered by the Narcissist, as they are pro’s that will make you believe what they say and do is right. It will not serve you to follow them down there yellow brick road. This only serves the Narcissist the “Supply” that they need. They will use up and then toss you away when you are depleted. They will resurface however, should they see you have replenished. So, if you are one of those that seeks the hoovering, know it will come, when you have more supply to offer.
The definition of “Dissonance” is one word you MUST recognize and understand if you are trying to heal from a toxic relationship that has trauma bonded you! It is the key of understanding the what and the whys of your relationship(s) that you are looking for. This is why you can not see clearly to break from bond that was created between you and the Narcissist. The feelings that have hooked you and are embedded in your mind and soul, are as a result of how your belief system has been altered. Know that you have been a fish on this hook the whole time… just bobbing around in the water. Never to be reeled in, or released.
I had gone absent many times from my RFS page over the years. Either I had fallen back into the routine with my Narcissist, having my waltz with the devil, or found it myself hard to continue to infiltrate myself with knowledge and writings while I was living a contradiction to my beliefs. Sometimes to heal, you need a break from even the thought of what has happened to take you off course and direct your focus on self and creative projects that would distract you from pain and sorrow. I know as a result of my decisions to dance with that devil, I found it very difficult to face the realities of how it took away precious moments of my life that can never be regained. I have come and gone from RFS and believe me when I tell you, such has brought my life and health to my knees at times. I suffered near death, self-destruction and have had much fear that I would not rise again from this experience. As a testament to myself… I can say I am young, intelligent, attractive and successful in my own right, but have been a fool for the Narcissist that I chose to fall in love with. I have recognition through my own efforts made in life, and I have almost allowed them to slip through my fingers while being lost in the FOG loving my Narcissist. I fell victim to the master of manipulation… The Hyde, verses Dr. Jekyll…. just like you… and had loved even both. Yes, I said both!! I am sure some that read this can relate. I have been the Supply for the Narcissist in my life and felt empowered while being it, not realizing that I was losing myself while doing so.
Each Source Offers a Different Supply and there is ALWAYS More Than One!
Yes, they have a superior talent and ability in obtaining resources. One could even consider them an expertise in this way of life. They have found the tools needed to obtain from every victim. What it is that they need for their Narcissistic Supply, is something you have to give and damn it, their gonna get it! No matter what it takes! Know that you are NEVER the only, there is ALWAYS another that has been groomed awaiting in the wings. A new supply is always lined up and being prepared to fill in where you don’t and can’t. You very well may be that other one for another now. I called it becoming the “other woman to the other woman”. For whatever that one thing, that one need… you have been chosen to fulfill this supply in their life. You need to know however, that all your efforts made, everything you give, will fall into the never ending black pit of a person with this personality disorder, and never will that pit be filled…
Beware!!
Have your eyes wide open. Don’t be foolish to think that there there isn’t another. There is always another supply that will fill those shoes, another victim awaiting for your shoe to drop, so they can fill it! Oddly enough, they happily step into those shoes, because she have met the “False Self”, just like you did in the beginning. Know that in time, the mask will fall and they will find in the Narcissist the same traits as you, and remain victim to them as long as they allow themselves to. Remember the love bombing stages? They too will think that they are the “special one”, that they are the “only one”, but really there is no “ONE” ever, there are many in a Narcissist harem. The Narcissist requires many supplies and varieties to keep their needs met.
The solace you may find is that they are no different than you, nor will have anything differently than you have shared with the Narcissist. They never change and it is only a matter of time until they unmask themselves. They are truly just another victim to the prey. And, if you dare to be jealous or envious, just know… that they too will suffer the same cycles. Feel more pity that pain for them. It never fails.
When the ID&Ds occurs, Idealization, Devaluation and then the Discarding… know the cycles, behaviors and circumstances. They never change and once you start to see the pattern, they are like clockwork. I found at times that I could even see it coming, or what was to happen next. A Narcissists behavior is text book. Just follow the story line. Just know, they will never become humble…
The truth is that they don’t even know what it is that they do. It’s a part of their personality disorder. At times I still hurt for my Narcissist knowing that he doesn’t even know the harm he afflicts upon others, or maybe he knows, but has an inability to have the regard. I thought I was the “Beauty… to that Beast”. To this day I know that I am probably the truest friend he ever had, as he still regards me as his best. This is because I never would lash out the harm, when I was struck with his venom and Lord knows, I can be venomous if needed. But, I don’t want to change who I am for all the hurt that I have experienced. I like me… and the lesson I’ve learned was to forgive the unforgivable, but never allow it to occur again. This gave me peace.
The hundreds of articles that I have shared on RFS, have been as a result of my own need to find answers… I know that so many go through the same hurt and challenges. I just hope and pray that at least one victim is validated, finds within my words and experiences what they need to hear. I hope all find peace and freedom from the bondage of the Narcissist and not waste another precious moment of their lives. Give of your heart to those that will cherish it.
I, as the founder of RFS, have been writing a book for a few years, and have outlined much of what I have learned from this Personality Disorder and how victims have been affected, even some right from my pages have lost their lives as a result of what abuse they have endured… I’ve witnessed it and have been saddened by it over and over. Please embrace all that is good, know you are worth the love of first, loving yourself… There are no stories or articles that you will find out there that will ever say that the Narcissist will change, or magic makes your circumstance different. There is hope that they do… but, it’s really not possible… It’s more likely you will meet a unicorn. They are to conditioned. From the time of being a small child, they know no other way. My friends and I use to say “you speak to them in English and they know nothing but Chinese, but if you spoke in Chinese, they would only understand English…”. You will never be on the same page as them, trust those words…
Embrace yourself, embrace those that love you. I am sure many have distant from you during the times of needed support. Know they see when you are trapped in the cycle. They have likely tried their best (or I should say, the best they know how), to help untangle those webs you are lost in… but they can’t stop it, they can’t stop you… only you can stop you!
RFS developed for the purpose of The Red Flags Society “Seeing the Red Flags, and why we chose to ignore them”. Again, Dissonance is probably the most important, most significant word that you must understand during healing. Understanding the confusion and why you are going through the pain… will bring you to a cognitive understanding of why you were there to begin with.
RFS embraces you all… We are in this together. One day at a time, one step at a time… The FOG will lift and the sun will once again shine once you are able to see clearly again…. NO CONTACT!
A Sleeping Soul Awakens…
It’s early morning… I stood outside for just a moment,
looking toward the sky searching for answers.
So many memories embraced me.
So much to awaken a sleeping soul…
The chill in the air is crisp and smells sweet…
Thoughts of how life experiences help create us, but don’t define us.
Each step taken is greater than our last.
Today, unlike yesterdays… have new meanings.
But none, if not for the old…
We can bring what yesterday has given us along,
Hopes of creating new dreams and paths to follow.
Only the shadows that whisper in the wind are stories of long ago…
Tomorrow’s will embrace a future
and each day forward creates more memories to hold precious with a wiser heart.
Clarity and meaning will come with the transitioning to a new...
Oh yes, I can remember this day from long ago.
It changed the wind in my sails that has taken on a new course…
Beneath these once fragile wings, the winds whisper of memories and each has its way of giving courage and strength to allow me to fly once again…
~ KANA (c. 2019)
Narcissistic Abuse Normalized in the Making of our Generation
WOW, I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!
As I sat, reading articles to post for The Red Flag Society readers, in the back ground I had “I Love Lucy”. Now some of you know that show (OMG, I’m showing my age, aren’t I?)
During that time and era (just before mine I need to say), a family use to sit around the black and white TV and watch shows together. Back then, this was considered quality family time. But I wonder, what is it that they were watching?
Most of the shows that were “family” oriented, did not truly represent life as it was, but how everyone wanted it to look like. Take shows like “Leave it to Beaver”, the Cleaver’s couldn’t be more perfect to what a “normal” family was suppose to look like back then. “Ozzie and Harriet”, “Father Knows Best”, all these shows represented what society thought was a perfect family life and how life was to look to the outside world… even if that wasn’t what was going on. I know, because I grew up in a home with everything looking perfect from the outside, but what was going on inside was no Cleaver family, that was for sure.
There were other shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy” that made a joke of this type of abuse. “Bang Zoom to the moon Alice…” and the never ending antics of Lucy and Ricky on I love Lucy, loving, fighting, perfect family, then abuse, fear and suppression. These were prime time family shows.
Every morning when I woke up, had my coffee and sat down at my computer… I started to notice that I usually had “I Love Lucy” on in the back ground. It became a routine I think? I Love Lucy for me was a “comfort show” when I was a child. It was my ultimate favorite! I watched it all the time and I even felt that Lucille Ball was like a family member that help raise me. I’ve made jokes of this with friends and family in my adult life, however I don’t think that many understood what I really meant by that.
When I was a child I had the opportunity to have an introduction to Lucille Ball’s Studios (Desilu Productions) through my Grandfather… I remember how excited I was the whole day before, I couldn’t wait to go to her studio and meet her and I couldn’t talk about anything else… I really thought I was going to meet Lucy and tell her everything that I thought about her, her show and why I loved her so much. My Grandparents sat me down and tried to explain to me that she wasn’t married to “Ricky” (Desi Arnaz) anymore. At first I was upset about this. I was like 7 years old and didn’t understand, “not married anymore”. I now think they didn’t want to get embarrassed when I asked, “Where’s Ricky” when at the studios. But, I guess they didn’t know my feelings were on the contrary…. Even as a child, I thought Ricky was a terribly awful man and really didn’t want to see him, meet him or be anywhere near him. I remember thinking how he was so terrible to Lucy, always yelling at her and making her scared to tell him things. Hmmmmm….
Now, those of us that have seen this show know Lucy was a prankster. Ricky use to belittle her, make her feel bad about herself… put down her talents (even though her talents were bad singing, or always wanting to be in his shows…)
In I Love Lucy, Lucy was not suppose to be a talented women for show biz. She was to play the role of the doting loving wife, that supported her husbands dreams and was suppose to abandon her own. For which, she did not!! She rebelled and did everything possible to pursue her dreams, whether achievable or not. As a result, she was ABUSED!!
At the age of 7, I did what I thought to be the respectful way of introduction of myself to Ms. Lucille Ball. I sat down and wrote her a letter about how much I loved her and how excited I was that I might just get to meet her. How I thought she was funny and talented and how GLAD, I was that she got rid of that “HOT HEADED CUBAN” husband that was so terribly mean to her.
Well, my grandfather read my letter and said…. “Oh No, No, No, you can’t give this letter to Ms. Ball representatives….” and he made me re-write the letter with now his guidance. You see Grandpa was a bit of a control freak too, however socially appropriate. My new letter now avoided any mention of how I felt about Ricky Ricardo and how glad I was that he was gone. I was only to say how much I loved Lucy and that was it. I remember being so angry at my grandfather that day, because he wouldn’t allow me to say what I really felt and I really meant it! I didn’t like the way he treated her, it seemed wrong even to a 7 year old. I thought he was mean, hurtful, a bully, he made fun of her, her dreams, and he put down for all of her wants and needs with the excuse that he was the man, breadwinner and husband.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I Love Lucy was a classic!! It was one of my favorite shows growing up and now it is still what I consider a comfort show that I put on in the back ground… It eases my mind…. and makes me feel at home. It gives me those warm fuzzy feelings.
Now you tell me, what’s wrong with that picture???
My association of “Comfort” is the same of what now we understand to be “Abuse”… And, as a child I was trained to think that that behavior was acceptable and even found “comfort” in my association being part of the Ricardo family. I was learning that a man could and would treat a woman as Ricky treated Lucy on their show and it was ok? When I tried to voice my feelings about it at 7 years old, I was told that my feelings were “unacceptable”. Funny however, I was trying to express how I thought that behavior was “unacceptable”. My thoughts and feeling about that type of behavior were suppressed and I was lead to believe that my interpretation was incorrect… which really wasn’t the case. Evident as to some of the struggles I have today with narcissists and my association with them.
Even though this was just a TV program, and suppose to be funny… I knew then it made me uncomfortable. I see now the programming I experienced. I was made to think it was acceptable to treat someone that way and should I have feelings to the contrary, they were wrong and unacceptable to speak.
So begins the steps of conditioning the personality to accept narcissistic abuse.
There were many bricks placed in the making of my foundation by watching shows just like this one. My rearing was a confused mess, so please understand it when I say… much of it was learned from sitting in front of a TV and a very erratic family interaction. Shows such as this were programming me to believed the rights and wrongs in life. What was acceptable or not and what our perception of what made us feel good and bad were all a part of the conditioning normalizing this bad behavior and personality disorder.
As I was sitting at my desk years ago, I wrote bits of this article, While I was sitting there writing, I wrote about how I had I Love Lucy on in the background and I heard Ricky yelling at Lucy for one of her pranks. I watched as she and Ethel coward in the corner, because they were so afraid of upsetting their husbands and tried to get out of the way of the RAGE.
Ricky went off yelling in Spanish. I’m sure what he was saying wasn’t that bad, because we are talking TV 50 years ago. But, if we don’t understand Spanish, (which I don’t), we have no idea what he is saying to her, other than by the “tone” of it. I think we can all agree his face blowing up, his eyes popping out of his head, the veins protruding from his neck, all clearly indication that what he was saying, wasn’t good, no? It was my understanding on the show, that Lucy didn’t understand Spanish either, therefore her reactions were as a result of the “tone” as well, not the words. She was reacting to the ABUSE, not even understanding what was being said. We can see her reaction is upset, frightened, cowering… and ABUSED!!! She can’t even respond, because she doesn’t understand what he is yelling about. And, should she try… he would stop her….
Now mind you, after all is said and done, Lucy and Ricky always made up and the “I love you” always returned making everything OK again… Really?
This reminds me of every time I suffered the abuse from my narcissist and foolishly forgave him like nothing ever really happened. It made it “OK”, it made it tolerable, it made me a “willing victim” to come back for more. I forgave the unforgivable.
I believe that many of us that have suffered from narcissistic abuse were raised with abuse as an underlying normal, acceptable behavior. Such has attributed to fragility in our self-ego’s, respect and psyche. We go through life accepting or fighting off these abusive behaviors to avoid being hurt by them. Both type of responses have the same objective…
The example of narcissist behavior and it’s being acceptable as displayed in I Love Lucy, is a clear example of how society made this normal and acceptable. Our parents may have thought so as well. Therefore, we developed the disposition to accept it, or fight it. I know that I have found numerous ways to justify it to myself and others, while the Rickys in my world performed this roller-coaster rides over my head and trashing my heart.
In I love Lucy, Ricky clearly Loves Lucy, hence the title it’s self. He does however never allow her to evolve without him, nor offer support, love and confidence to achieve her dreams that were clearly neglected and his behavior reflected his insecurities and fears of losing his control… over her!!!
Did you ever notice how some of the people that Ricky apologized to for “her” behavior, took pity on Lucy, offered her support and were a little pissed at Ricky for not recognizing that she had a right to her dreams, be them achievable or not?
If you view this show in today’s age and think about some of what you have read here, you will see it so very differently. The clear cut programming of a narcissist to a victim, representing that love was the bond, by using abuse. I personally believe that Lucy and Desi lived out a lot of their real life issue through their show, love and jealously, control and abuse. The truth here is that Lucy was truly suppressed on every level possible the talents that Desi never really fully achieved.
I mean no disrespect to one of the most brilliant woman Ms. Lucille Ball, I loved her dearly…. But, as a result of her show…. millions of people have suffered abuse, accepted it as normal and tolerated it much longer than they should have. Thanks Lucy… for the insight?
It is what it really is…. Narcissist Abuse Normalizing and Conditioning in the Making…
(some excerpts from my site “The Red Flag Society” made many years ago)
The Carrot and Stick Tactic
Have we forgotten what LOVE is? I hear so many people, to include myself, say how much they love their narcissist. I loved him with all of my heart, every beat, every breath. I never felt this way about another person. And, I have never been as hurt by another like this in my lifetime.
I had forgotten what love is…
The feeling of being with someone that loves you as much (if not more) than you love them is an incredible feeling. A healthy relationship with someone where you set goals, plan holidays, vacation, build a life together, have equal strengths and directions, is all a good recipe for a healthy journey. This doesn’t happen with a narcissist. It doesn’t, it will never. They are not capable!
In the beginning, they will say anything and act it out during the love bombing stages. After all, they can only make the effort for a short time, so they give it their all and then ride the wave. If it doesn’t work out, I can guarantee they will say, it’s because of you.
Familiar??
- “Where have you been all my life”
- “I’ve never felt this way before”
- “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you”
- “You really get me”
- “We are soulmates”
- “I don’t want this to ever end”
It’s all BS…. It really is!! As you live through the nightmare of having a relationship with a narcissist, you will become more and more confused about whats right and wrong. You forget what it’s like to be loved with respect and fidelity. I have, I certainly have throughout this past many years.
Each narcissist has a list of lines that they use over and over. They learn whats works for them. When you are in a vulnerable state, it’s very hard to see through the facade that they create. You believe their stories, promises and sweet words. None of these are backed-up with actions, integrity or character.
They are a character played in a theater built just for their amusement. They are an actor that performs to entertain themselves. They have learned what to say, what to do, to render the results they want. This is where you come in… You are the supply! You have something to offer that they want, or need. Be it attention, money, status, support, sex or just a punching bag. They get a kick out of what they can get away with.
They find all that is vulnerable within you, and then they fill those voids (temporarily) to suit your needs. This is the beginning of it.
- Offer you something you want or crave.
- Make you want it more than you did before.
- Then take it away, but dangle it ahead creating the desire.
- They make you work harder for it, to fix it, make it better (but this is impossible)
- Then they toss you to the curb when you no longer serve the purpose.
- Oh, don’t forget they will come around again “hoovering”
All of this to repeat the cycle. Act II, III. IV and so on. The play remains playing as long as your in the audience.
You see, when we are in a vulnerable state, we seek that comfort and validation. I swear they can almost sniff it out… A narcissist knows how to play this part very well, it is instinctive and a well formatted script. Don’t kid yourself, its all well planned in their head.
Love bombing…
When we are being love bombed, it feels euphoric. During love bombing you feel overwhelmed with the attention, adoration and the chemistry spikes. All of those little special things, sweet texts, attentiveness, flowers, pet names, thoughtful gestures, gifts, great sex… all of it comes flooding in, faster and faster as they increase their attack on your core emotions and vulnerabilities. These are all manipulation tactics that are laying the foundation of their future games of strategy.
Yup, your getting set up for the staging of the show to come…
Very quickly you are groomed to fit their needs. You fall so head over-heels, it’s like an addiction to everything they are. You want more and more, and have no idea that the narcissist is full of false promises. You invest yourself into this relationship, because you feel that they are investing themselves into you. They will put forth the persona that you need them, they want whats best for you. They will help move you, do the manly things around the house, like hang a mirror or fix the car. They will make small gestures to show their feelings, however they are not feelings, they are a plan. They are chameleons and mirror everything that is needed and desired in the heart of us. They start to pick up our lingo, habits, hobbies, anything that makes you more obviously connected to them. They become an attachment to “your” life. Generally because they don’t have one. They need to cling to a life that they can feed from… this is why they are called “Emotional Vampires”. They suck the life right out of you.
They tantalize us with the promise of a brighter future, a relationship where we are deeply validated and taken care of. We get used to the daily praise and laser-focused attention. The sex during the love bombing and initial idealization phase is explosive! The relationship has the perfect balance, a steady up-climb and the goal at the top, is your soul. You think it’s being fulfilled, but it actually is being raped. Yes, raped!!
The narcissist knows exactly how to bring us to greater heights. They are Pros at it! It’s what they live for, how they live. They have learned over a lifetime this technique and it serves them to catch you up, spin you around and then make you feel like hell, so if they come back around, they have you wanting something you know you don’t.
They’ve studied who we are, what we like and learned to mimic it. Little do we know, sex and intimacy will later be used as ammunition.
Narcissists are skilled artists of manipulation. They will flatter you with attention, gain your trust and adoration, then start their field of games. Now that you are properly seasoned, “Let the games begin”.
Carrot and Stick Tactic
One of the foundations of their strategy is how they lure you in and then punish you for falling for it 1 out of 3 times. This simple manipulation technique is to elicit certain behaviors desired by the narcissist. One day everything is great, and just because you added one additional word to your sentence, the words become scrambled, the narcissist takes flight with rage and anger and you haven’t a clue what you did or said wrong. WACK!! You get the stick!
Next time it might be different, you actually might get the carrot, if you succumb to the submissiveness of doing everything their way. What a wicked game they play, leaving your wanting and waiting. They punish you for having the love that they created. You become convenient for them, then without warning, they come back with the punishment to condition you when you try to express your needs. Don’t have any, not if you want to remain on the good side of this Mask Predator!
I went through this with my ex-narcissist. He would promise me the world, then he would create an argument, when I would confront his words that were not supported by his actions. He would become extremely defensive with such intensity. It use to make me feel like, “It’s you or me babe…” And, you can count on it, it was him!
“The only person that gets angry hearing the truth,
is one that’s living a lie”
Just when you start to realize what is going on, that things aren’t as they appear, the gaslighting begins. “I can’t stand your manic behavior”, “Your crazy”, “It’s all in your head”, “Pump the brakes…”, “You know your the love of my life, and if you don’t know how I feel about you, then shame on you”. You start to think, “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Did I do something wrong” and you find that you start to question yourself and your cognitive dissonance starts to play a game on you. You loose grasp of the reality that you know is going on and are being convinced by the narcissist that it’s you.
I once read this on a web site, making it a cross reference to cognitive Dissonance.
“There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing, Or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing? Not a speck of light is showing, So the danger must be growing….”
~ Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Cognitive Dissonance. Do yourself a favor, read about cognitive dissonance and how it creates an alternate belief and confused state.
By definition…
Cognitive dissonance is “the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously.”.
As a result of cognitive dissonance, we enter into a state that keeps us attached to our abusive partner, despite knowing that they are incapable of loving us. The confusion is wanting to believe them, and knowing the truth nonetheless. It doesn’t make sense. Many people suffer from narcissistic abuse and cognitive dissonance keeps them trapped in the cycle.
We find it so hard to let go of our dreams and all that we believed our relationship to be. And, it was all a lie, it wasn’t real! The narcissist is an actor and we fell for it. The question remains, Why? For that answer, we need to seek down deep within ourselves. What has us so confused that we believe something that is outside our beliefs, factually presented in front of us. We see it, we know it, we chose to allow someone to influence our belief system to the extent that they are able to cause us to believe something that we know not to be true.
Their actions and words don’t match up. If you address them about their conflicting facts, words, actions… They go into a melt down mode because you have inflicted narcissistic injury. This is guaranteed to occur should you dare to challenge them. Know, if you chose to not accept their lies, infidelities, erratic behavior, they are sure to say, there is something wrong with you (gaslighting). They may even be able to make you believe it. You are blamed for the argument and then they will go into the silent treatment without regard of how it leaves you feeling (no closure, isn’t that a pin pinching your ass?). This is a conditioning to lower your expectations and make you compliant for the crumbs that you are yet to be minimized to in the near future. You feel like a sitting duck for the abuse and be careful when walking on those eggshells, a crack in any one of them will set them off, even if your not the one that crack it.
Be aware of the Carrot and Stick tactic. You are chasing something that will never be. This is an act of control and a tool for the narcissist to trick you right into their web.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me three times, then I’m the fool!!
Don’t be a fool! There isn’t enough time on earth that we should waste all the precious gifts we have to offer the right person, on one that doesn’t deserves it. We can’t change them, cure them and we didn’t create them. Let them GO!!
