~ None the different than days gone by… There is no fixing this, no matter the try ~
This couldn’t be more true… fighting the fear to trust again, when the fear comes from such tragic extremes. We are strong to be redefined without fear, but with an inner strength we thought was lost, is found and re-birthed once more…
It’s early morning… I stood outside for just a moment,
looking toward the sky searching for answers.
So many memories embraced me.
So much to awaken a sleeping soul…
The chill in the air is crisp and smells sweet…
Thoughts of how life experiences help create us, but don’t define us.
Each step taken is greater than our last.
Today, unlike yesterdays… have new meanings.
But none, if not for the old…
We can bring what yesterday has given us along,
Hopes of creating new dreams and paths to follow.
Only the shadows that whisper in the wind are stories of long ago…
Tomorrow’s will embrace a future
and each day forward creates more memories to hold precious with a wiser heart.
Clarity and meaning will come with the transitioning to a new...
Oh yes, I can remember this day from long ago.
It changed the wind in my sails that has taken on a new course…
Beneath these once fragile wings, the winds whisper of memories and each has its way of giving courage and strength to allow me to fly once again…
~ KANA (c. 2019)
WOW, I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!
As I sat, reading articles to post for The Red Flag Society readers, in the back ground I had “I Love Lucy”. Now some of you know that show (OMG, I’m showing my age, aren’t I?)
During that time and era (just before mine I need to say), a family use to sit around the black and white TV and watch shows together. Back then, this was considered quality family time. But I wonder, what is it that they were watching?
Most of the shows that were “family” oriented, did not truly represent life as it was, but how everyone wanted it to look like. Take shows like “Leave it to Beaver”, the Cleaver’s couldn’t be more perfect to what a “normal” family was suppose to look like back then. “Ozzie and Harriet”, “Father Knows Best”, all these shows represented what society thought was a perfect family life and how life was to look to the outside world… even if that wasn’t what was going on. I know, because I grew up in a home with everything looking perfect from the outside, but what was going on inside was no Cleaver family, that was for sure.
There were other shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy” that made a joke of this type of abuse. “Bang Zoom to the moon Alice…” and the never ending antics of Lucy and Ricky on I love Lucy, loving, fighting, perfect family, then abuse, fear and suppression. These were prime time family shows.
Every morning when I woke up, had my coffee and sat down at my computer… I started to notice that I usually had “I Love Lucy” on in the back ground. It became a routine I think? I Love Lucy for me was a “comfort show” when I was a child. It was my ultimate favorite! I watched it all the time and I even felt that Lucille Ball was like a family member that help raise me. I’ve made jokes of this with friends and family in my adult life, however I don’t think that many understood what I really meant by that.
When I was a child I had the opportunity to have an introduction to Lucille Ball’s Studios (Desilu Productions) through my Grandfather… I remember how excited I was the whole day before, I couldn’t wait to go to her studio and meet her and I couldn’t talk about anything else… I really thought I was going to meet Lucy and tell her everything that I thought about her, her show and why I loved her so much. My Grandparents sat me down and tried to explain to me that she wasn’t married to “Ricky” (Desi Arnaz) anymore. At first I was upset about this. I was like 7 years old and didn’t understand, “not married anymore”. I now think they didn’t want to get embarrassed when I asked, “Where’s Ricky” when at the studios. But, I guess they didn’t know my feelings were on the contrary…. Even as a child, I thought Ricky was a terribly awful man and really didn’t want to see him, meet him or be anywhere near him. I remember thinking how he was so terrible to Lucy, always yelling at her and making her scared to tell him things. Hmmmmm….
Now, those of us that have seen this show know Lucy was a prankster. Ricky use to belittle her, make her feel bad about herself… put down her talents (even though her talents were bad singing, or always wanting to be in his shows…)
In I Love Lucy, Lucy was not suppose to be a talented women for show biz. She was to play the role of the doting loving wife, that supported her husbands dreams and was suppose to abandon her own. For which, she did not!! She rebelled and did everything possible to pursue her dreams, whether achievable or not. As a result, she was ABUSED!!
At the age of 7, I did what I thought to be the respectful way of introduction of myself to Ms. Lucille Ball. I sat down and wrote her a letter about how much I loved her and how excited I was that I might just get to meet her. How I thought she was funny and talented and how GLAD, I was that she got rid of that “HOT HEADED CUBAN” husband that was so terribly mean to her.
Well, my grandfather read my letter and said…. “Oh No, No, No, you can’t give this letter to Ms. Ball representatives….” and he made me re-write the letter with now his guidance. You see Grandpa was a bit of a control freak too, however socially appropriate. My new letter now avoided any mention of how I felt about Ricky Ricardo and how glad I was that he was gone. I was only to say how much I loved Lucy and that was it. I remember being so angry at my grandfather that day, because he wouldn’t allow me to say what I really felt and I really meant it! I didn’t like the way he treated her, it seemed wrong even to a 7 year old. I thought he was mean, hurtful, a bully, he made fun of her, her dreams, and he put down for all of her wants and needs with the excuse that he was the man, breadwinner and husband.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I Love Lucy was a classic!! It was one of my favorite shows growing up and now it is still what I consider a comfort show that I put on in the back ground… It eases my mind…. and makes me feel at home. It gives me those warm fuzzy feelings.
My association of “Comfort” is the same of what now we understand to be “Abuse”… And, as a child I was trained to think that that behavior was acceptable and even found “comfort” in my association being part of the Ricardo family. I was learning that a man could and would treat a woman as Ricky treated Lucy on their show and it was ok? When I tried to voice my feelings about it at 7 years old, I was told that my feelings were “unacceptable”. Funny however, I was trying to express how I thought that behavior was “unacceptable”. My thoughts and feeling about that type of behavior were suppressed and I was lead to believe that my interpretation was incorrect… which really wasn’t the case. Evident as to some of the struggles I have today with narcissists and my association with them.
Even though this was just a TV program, and suppose to be funny… I knew then it made me uncomfortable. I see now the programming I experienced. I was made to think it was acceptable to treat someone that way and should I have feelings to the contrary, they were wrong and unacceptable to speak.
There were many bricks placed in the making of my foundation by watching shows just like this one. My rearing was a confused mess, so please understand it when I say… much of it was learned from sitting in front of a TV and a very erratic family interaction. Shows such as this were programming me to believed the rights and wrongs in life. What was acceptable or not and what our perception of what made us feel good and bad were all a part of the conditioning normalizing this bad behavior and personality disorder.
As I was sitting at my desk years ago, I wrote bits of this article, While I was sitting there writing, I wrote about how I had I Love Lucy on in the background and I heard Ricky yelling at Lucy for one of her pranks. I watched as she and Ethel coward in the corner, because they were so afraid of upsetting their husbands and tried to get out of the way of the RAGE.
Ricky went off yelling in Spanish. I’m sure what he was saying wasn’t that bad, because we are talking TV 50 years ago. But, if we don’t understand Spanish, (which I don’t), we have no idea what he is saying to her, other than by the “tone” of it. I think we can all agree his face blowing up, his eyes popping out of his head, the veins protruding from his neck, all clearly indication that what he was saying, wasn’t good, no? It was my understanding on the show, that Lucy didn’t understand Spanish either, therefore her reactions were as a result of the “tone” as well, not the words. She was reacting to the ABUSE, not even understanding what was being said. We can see her reaction is upset, frightened, cowering… and ABUSED!!! She can’t even respond, because she doesn’t understand what he is yelling about. And, should she try… he would stop her….
Now mind you, after all is said and done, Lucy and Ricky always made up and the “I love you” always returned making everything OK again… Really?
This reminds me of every time I suffered the abuse from my narcissist and foolishly forgave him like nothing ever really happened. It made it “OK”, it made it tolerable, it made me a “willing victim” to come back for more. I forgave the unforgivable.
I believe that many of us that have suffered from narcissistic abuse were raised with abuse as an underlying normal, acceptable behavior. Such has attributed to fragility in our self-ego’s, respect and psyche. We go through life accepting or fighting off these abusive behaviors to avoid being hurt by them. Both type of responses have the same objective…
The example of narcissist behavior and it’s being acceptable as displayed in I Love Lucy, is a clear example of how society made this normal and acceptable. Our parents may have thought so as well. Therefore, we developed the disposition to accept it, or fight it. I know that I have found numerous ways to justify it to myself and others, while the Rickys in my world performed this roller-coaster rides over my head and trashing my heart.
In I love Lucy, Ricky clearly Loves Lucy, hence the title it’s self. He does however never allow her to evolve without him, nor offer support, love and confidence to achieve her dreams that were clearly neglected and his behavior reflected his insecurities and fears of losing his control… over her!!!
Did you ever notice how some of the people that Ricky apologized to for “her” behavior, took pity on Lucy, offered her support and were a little pissed at Ricky for not recognizing that she had a right to her dreams, be them achievable or not?
If you view this show in today’s age and think about some of what you have read here, you will see it so very differently. The clear cut programming of a narcissist to a victim, representing that love was the bond, by using abuse. I personally believe that Lucy and Desi lived out a lot of their real life issue through their show, love and jealously, control and abuse. The truth here is that Lucy was truly suppressed on every level possible the talents that Desi never really fully achieved.
I mean no disrespect to one of the most brilliant woman Ms. Lucille Ball, I loved her dearly…. But, as a result of her show…. millions of people have suffered abuse, accepted it as normal and tolerated it much longer than they should have. Thanks Lucy… for the insight?
It is what it really is…. Narcissist Abuse Normalizing and Conditioning in the Making…
(some excerpts from my site “The Red Flag Society” made many years ago)
Have we forgotten what LOVE is? I hear so many people, to include myself, say how much they love their narcissist. I loved him with all of my heart, every beat, every breath. I never felt this way about another person. And, I have never been as hurt by another like this in my lifetime.
I had forgotten what love is…
The feeling of being with someone that loves you as much (if not more) than you love them is an incredible feeling. A healthy relationship with someone where you set goals, plan holidays, vacation, build a life together, have equal strengths and directions, is all a good recipe for a healthy journey. This doesn’t happen with a narcissist. It doesn’t, it will never. They are not capable!
In the beginning, they will say anything and act it out during the love bombing stages. After all, they can only make the effort for a short time, so they give it their all and then ride the wave. If it doesn’t work out, I can guarantee they will say, it’s because of you.
It’s all BS…. It really is!! As you live through the nightmare of having a relationship with a narcissist, you will become more and more confused about whats right and wrong. You forget what it’s like to be loved with respect and fidelity. I have, I certainly have throughout this past many years.
Each narcissist has a list of lines that they use over and over. They learn whats works for them. When you are in a vulnerable state, it’s very hard to see through the facade that they create. You believe their stories, promises and sweet words. None of these are backed-up with actions, integrity or character.
They are a character played in a theater built just for their amusement. They are an actor that performs to entertain themselves. They have learned what to say, what to do, to render the results they want. This is where you come in… You are the supply! You have something to offer that they want, or need. Be it attention, money, status, support, sex or just a punching bag. They get a kick out of what they can get away with.
They find all that is vulnerable within you, and then they fill those voids (temporarily) to suit your needs. This is the beginning of it.
All of this to repeat the cycle. Act II, III. IV and so on. The play remains playing as long as your in the audience.
You see, when we are in a vulnerable state, we seek that comfort and validation. I swear they can almost sniff it out… A narcissist knows how to play this part very well, it is instinctive and a well formatted script. Don’t kid yourself, its all well planned in their head.
When we are being love bombed, it feels euphoric. During love bombing you feel overwhelmed with the attention, adoration and the chemistry spikes. All of those little special things, sweet texts, attentiveness, flowers, pet names, thoughtful gestures, gifts, great sex… all of it comes flooding in, faster and faster as they increase their attack on your core emotions and vulnerabilities. These are all manipulation tactics that are laying the foundation of their future games of strategy.
Very quickly you are groomed to fit their needs. You fall so head over-heels, it’s like an addiction to everything they are. You want more and more, and have no idea that the narcissist is full of false promises. You invest yourself into this relationship, because you feel that they are investing themselves into you. They will put forth the persona that you need them, they want whats best for you. They will help move you, do the manly things around the house, like hang a mirror or fix the car. They will make small gestures to show their feelings, however they are not feelings, they are a plan. They are chameleons and mirror everything that is needed and desired in the heart of us. They start to pick up our lingo, habits, hobbies, anything that makes you more obviously connected to them. They become an attachment to “your” life. Generally because they don’t have one. They need to cling to a life that they can feed from… this is why they are called “Emotional Vampires”. They suck the life right out of you.
They tantalize us with the promise of a brighter future, a relationship where we are deeply validated and taken care of. We get used to the daily praise and laser-focused attention. The sex during the love bombing and initial idealization phase is explosive! The relationship has the perfect balance, a steady up-climb and the goal at the top, is your soul. You think it’s being fulfilled, but it actually is being raped. Yes, raped!!
The narcissist knows exactly how to bring us to greater heights. They are Pros at it! It’s what they live for, how they live. They have learned over a lifetime this technique and it serves them to catch you up, spin you around and then make you feel like hell, so if they come back around, they have you wanting something you know you don’t.
They’ve studied who we are, what we like and learned to mimic it. Little do we know, sex and intimacy will later be used as ammunition.
Narcissists are skilled artists of manipulation. They will flatter you with attention, gain your trust and adoration, then start their field of games. Now that you are properly seasoned, “Let the games begin”.
One of the foundations of their strategy is how they lure you in and then punish you for falling for it 1 out of 3 times. This simple manipulation technique is to elicit certain behaviors desired by the narcissist. One day everything is great, and just because you added one additional word to your sentence, the words become scrambled, the narcissist takes flight with rage and anger and you haven’t a clue what you did or said wrong. WACK!! You get the stick!
Next time it might be different, you actually might get the carrot, if you succumb to the submissiveness of doing everything their way. What a wicked game they play, leaving your wanting and waiting. They punish you for having the love that they created. You become convenient for them, then without warning, they come back with the punishment to condition you when you try to express your needs. Don’t have any, not if you want to remain on the good side of this Mask Predator!
I went through this with my ex-narcissist. He would promise me the world, then he would create an argument, when I would confront his words that were not supported by his actions. He would become extremely defensive with such intensity. It use to make me feel like, “It’s you or me babe…” And, you can count on it, it was him!
Just when you start to realize what is going on, that things aren’t as they appear, the gaslighting begins. “I can’t stand your manic behavior”, “Your crazy”, “It’s all in your head”, “Pump the brakes…”, “You know your the love of my life, and if you don’t know how I feel about you, then shame on you”. You start to think, “Is there something wrong with me?”, “Did I do something wrong” and you find that you start to question yourself and your cognitive dissonance starts to play a game on you. You loose grasp of the reality that you know is going on and are being convinced by the narcissist that it’s you.
I once read this on a web site, making it a cross reference to cognitive Dissonance.
Cognitive Dissonance. Do yourself a favor, read about cognitive dissonance and how it creates an alternate belief and confused state.
Cognitive dissonance is “the psychological discomfort a person feels when he or she holds conflicting beliefs about something simultaneously.”.
As a result of cognitive dissonance, we enter into a state that keeps us attached to our abusive partner, despite knowing that they are incapable of loving us. The confusion is wanting to believe them, and knowing the truth nonetheless. It doesn’t make sense. Many people suffer from narcissistic abuse and cognitive dissonance keeps them trapped in the cycle.
We find it so hard to let go of our dreams and all that we believed our relationship to be. And, it was all a lie, it wasn’t real! The narcissist is an actor and we fell for it. The question remains, Why? For that answer, we need to seek down deep within ourselves. What has us so confused that we believe something that is outside our beliefs, factually presented in front of us. We see it, we know it, we chose to allow someone to influence our belief system to the extent that they are able to cause us to believe something that we know not to be true.
Their actions and words don’t match up. If you address them about their conflicting facts, words, actions… They go into a melt down mode because you have inflicted narcissistic injury. This is guaranteed to occur should you dare to challenge them. Know, if you chose to not accept their lies, infidelities, erratic behavior, they are sure to say, there is something wrong with you (gaslighting). They may even be able to make you believe it. You are blamed for the argument and then they will go into the silent treatment without regard of how it leaves you feeling (no closure, isn’t that a pin pinching your ass?). This is a conditioning to lower your expectations and make you compliant for the crumbs that you are yet to be minimized to in the near future. You feel like a sitting duck for the abuse and be careful when walking on those eggshells, a crack in any one of them will set them off, even if your not the one that crack it.
Be aware of the Carrot and Stick tactic. You are chasing something that will never be. This is an act of control and a tool for the narcissist to trick you right into their web.
Don’t be a fool! There isn’t enough time on earth that we should waste all the precious gifts we have to offer the right person, on one that doesn’t deserves it. We can’t change them, cure them and we didn’t create them. Let them GO!!
How can one reach beyond the feelings of betrayal? We give of our hearts, mind, souls and bodies to find that others do not regard of them with the same respect they deserve.
“A heart filled with pain for loving you, knowing you have no soul”
We love and hope that the love we have is requited. This is not the case with a Narcissist. It’s not you, it’s not what you have to offer a relationship, be it love, family, parent or friend. A Narcissist is incapable of understanding the depths of love that is offered from ones soul. I once read, a Narcissist is a “Soul With No Footprints”… and this couldn’t be more true. They leave no imprint on our lives, other than that we allow… and generally that is painful while in the current, or a memory. Yes, the pain, hurt, betrayal we feel is “ALLOWED” by us. A Narcissist is a phantom on this earth, suffering from their own self-loathing, masked feelings, just trying to fit in with the rest of society as they think they can BS their way through life. Your feelings do not touch the fragments of their fractured minds.
They don’t even understand the feelings that you have, share, beg, plead for them to hear. The Narcissist only has regard to what makes them feel good, despite if it hurts everyone around them.
Each and every one of us that has been effected by Narcissist injury, can relate to needing answers to the question’s one has asked. What is rational to normal minds, is not the same as the magic shop of “appear and disappear” that we experience with these Masters of Illusion.
Time to change direction, a time to bank life’s path. A time to awaken…
Struggling with the 3am phone calls, wanting so badly to answer, but the story is always the same. “You are the love of my life”, “I want to marry you”, “I hate my life without you in it”. Does a “Drunk mind, speak a sober heart”??
The flood gates open, the words flow, however this doesn’t mean that the alcohol has the effect of a truth serum. They surround themselves with those less intelligent, then find an excuse to drink. Was Hemingway right?
With my ex, all of his indiscretions are blamed on his obvious disease, alcohol. However, through the years he has done nothing to challenge that disease knowing how its affect damages the people in his life.
A selective memory of what he does while under the influence is the general day after. Everything he does is without the regard as to what he does to those that love and care about him while he is under that influence.
It is the excuse for infidelities, lies, broken promises, disappointments, hurtful words and so on. The day after seems like a nightmare in itself as he goes through his PAWS (post alcohol withdrawal syndrome). Sometimes you feel like you would rather he be drunk, because sober he is a real asshole most the time and not very good company.
Narcissist use the word “Love” as one of the tools to obtain supply. They see it as their gift to you, that they “love you”, so it makes it okay for them to use you. They extract everything that they need, at the expense of others emotions, well being, health, finances… life!
Those calls come day or night nonetheless, but its within your control to accept them, or not to continue the connection.
Wait! Aren’t you sleeping in another’s bed? Didn’t you leave me and then blame me so you could leave me without guilt, to be in this other’s bed? Isn’t that real? Were we real? Is anything real with you?
Echo should hear…
Don’t answer the phone. Don’t fall for it again, he’s just drunk and alone. You are not the love of his life, because he doesn’t know what is needed to love in life (that pains me). He is going to say, “I love you more than life itself, to the best of my ability to love”. So, he knows it breaks the heart and it’s his lack of ability to share his.
We long so badly for the man to be the one that made us fall in love with him, but we feel nothing but disappointment, over and over. It is almost ridiculous. You know the truth, don’t want to accept it, think that its going to be different, but you still know the reality. The layer of this onion will only bring tears with every layer pealed. There really is no reward, there is no happy ending with a narcissist.
I have been a foolish woman. I stood by a man that cheated on me throughout our relationship. I went into some sort of crazy denial, supported by his “gaslighting” that it was all in my head, my irrational jealous feelings… I watched him cheat on the woman before me, and again the ones after me. It didn’t start out that way, but quickly became that way. There came a time that I was almost complacent being the “Other Woman to the Other Woman” for nearly a decade. What the hell was I thinking?
What kind of person does this to anyone, awakening a spirit of fire from deep within a soul and then, throw a gas mixed water, just to watch it rage and then simmer? So cruel, insensitive, painful for the one who received the Love Bombing, to only realize that its a pattern, a way of life, a norm for the narcissist.
This behavior is part of what takes place causing trauma bonding. It creates an addiction to a person, in a sort of sense. You have invested so much of yourself into them, you have a difficult time separating. Its like a game of bait and catch, the carrot and the stick… Call it what you want, it is all a sadistic trick to maintain their “supply”, to be added to their harem, have a back up and keep you hanging indefinitely. Until you decide not to, that is… NO CONTACT is the only answer, or everytime you replenish yourself from the hurt and chaos that they cause, they hoover around again and start the process all over, until you have nothing left to offer once more.
This Trauma Bond is a bond, but it’s not one of love, but of addiction and develops from the abuse you experience during the tug of war of your mind and heart as its played. You are my “Soulmate”, they may say. But honestly the only soul is within the one that has one. There is no “soul” mating with one that is soulless. This is not said to be mean, the truth is that someone that suffers from a Personality Disorder of narcissism has an empty hole in place where a soul would dwell.
We could spend a lifetime trying to fill that hole, reach for that soul, however it has never developed, therefore… is missing. “A Soul with No Footprints”, as I have once heard, leaves no imprint on life. The narcissist casually passes on by, never looking back, touching what it is they want, and leaves like a thief in the night, leaving destruction and tormented hearts. They lack emotional empathy.
How did they get that way? There are many reason’s that a narcissist is the way they are. Many suffer from addiction as well (as in my case, he was a serious alcoholic), because they use their drug of choice to numb their pain. I’ve heard that one for years first hand.
The day after’s are generally roller coasters. They forget what they have said, or just said what they did to obtain the reaction, attention or supply, once again. They love to tempt those waters. When rejected, a narcissist suffers “narcissistic injury” and I can assure you that they are tormented by that.
My ex-narcissist use to say “silence is deadly”, the silent treatment is used as one of their favorite punishments. This takes away what little worth you may feel you are to the narcissist and conditions you to believe that you are expendable, without loss to them.
Oh, don’t let this become part of your psyche. You are VERY valuable… you were chosen by the narcissist to offer a unique supply that they were unable to obtain from someone else. If they continue to hoover you over and over, you know that the bee is seeking the nectar from this flower. Know this is not out of love or adoration for you, but for only the nectar. The bee will fly off to seek another supply too, but may be back tomorrow to revisit this flower (if you let them).
THEY NEED MULTIPLE SUPPLY
Narcissists need outside sources to make them feel complete. Funny, the ones abused have the same need. Both are not feeling fulfilled within themselves. What a terrible shame that a narcissist will never change, and those that love them struggle with letting them go, because they want to be the one that does. It’s a never ending battle with a well recognized personality disorder that destroys everyone that it touches.
I guess I need to get over this part, so do many others that have been discarded by a Narcissist. Let me see what it is that I “Envy” about the New Supply…?? Hmmmmm…..
Well, that really is nothing. If I wanted to be, I would be with him too. All you have to be is convenient and answer the phone. Hmmm…
No, I don’t think it’s her beauty, because I know that I am more attractive than her. Even that comment was made by him to me numerous times… So, that can’t be it.
No, this isn’t it. She is the one that is supplying that lifestyle, just as I would and was before. He isn’t contributing to that life, he is just using it as a projection of himself. It is image…. And not even his…
Ha, now that one isn’t true at all. I have to remember this. If he was so loyal, I wouldn’t receive the calls and the love messages to this day. He wouldn’t be on dating sites right now. He wouldn’t be talking to other women (self-admitted). He would not have carried on two separate relationships until I recently fled (again). He wouldn’t seek to come to me or ask me when I am going to come to him. He wouldn’t share all the crazy thoughts he has about her that are disparaging with me. I have no doubt they were said about me to her as well. So, loyalties… she doesn’t have that either.
The key word here is “dream”. I dreamt of many futures that were created by his words and promises. However, even though he is with a New Supply, he still talks about “our future”, how we will be together… Not true, I’m sure he says the same to her…. The one before thought she was getting an engagement ring at Costco. Ha, Costco…. I don’t mean to laugh about that, only that is was said to me to try to make me jealous, but it made me think how crazy that was, to buy an engagement ring at “Costco”? I don’t know. It just didn’t represent to me making the effort, making it special… a Costco engagement ring that can be found in the isle after bulk dog food? The only future I can even imagine will be the future that she creates and then spends a lifetime taking care of him (while he cheats, drinks and lies).
There is nothing to envy about the New Supply. I kind of feel sorry for her when I resurrect my Christianity. I feel badly that she thinks that this life is better than the one that she once had. It will take time, but hopefully she will see it, before it destroys her. I know this pain, and don’t really wish it on anyone.
I didn’t mean to fall in love with a Narcissistic man. I didn’t even know what one was, until it all started to not make sense. I gave of myself all I had to an empty black hole, because I use to think I saw the lost and angered child within the man that I love that suffered, and I wanted to be that comfort to him. Well, I can still claim the crown of that comfort. That’s what brings him back to me over and over, however it’s like the Tom Cat that comes home at night to be fed and cared for, to only roam the streets again the next day and pick up whatever “P****” that will let him in….