Betrayal

How can one reach beyond the feelings of betrayal? We give of our hearts, mind, souls and bodies to find that others do not regard of them with the same respect they deserve.

“A heart filled with pain for loving you, knowing you have no soul”

We love and hope that the love we have is requited. This is not the case with a Narcissist. It’s not you, it’s not what you have to offer a relationship, be it love, family, parent or friend. A Narcissist is incapable of understanding the depths of love that is offered from ones soul. I once read, a Narcissist is a “Soul With No Footprints”… and this couldn’t be more true. They leave no imprint on our lives, other than that we allow… and generally that is painful while in the current, or a memory. Yes, the pain, hurt, betrayal we feel is “ALLOWED” by us. A Narcissist is a phantom on this earth, suffering from their own self-loathing, masked feelings, just trying to fit in with the rest of society as they think they can BS their way through life. Your feelings do not touch the fragments of their fractured minds.

They don’t even understand the feelings that you have, share, beg, plead for them to hear. The Narcissist only has regard to what makes them feel good, despite if it hurts everyone around them.

Each and every one of us that has been effected by Narcissist injury, can relate to needing answers to the question’s one has asked. What is rational to normal minds, is not the same as the magic shop of “appear and disappear” that we experience with these Masters of Illusion.

SOULMATE

Time to change direction, a time to bank life’s path.  A time to awaken…

Struggling with the 3am phone calls, wanting so badly to answer, but the story is always the same.  “You are the love of my life”, “I want to marry you”, “I hate my life without you in it”.  Does a “Drunk mind, speak a sober heart”??

The flood gates open, the words flow, however this doesn’t mean that the alcohol has the effect of a truth serum.  They surround themselves with those less intelligent, then find an excuse to drink. Was Hemingway right?

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With my ex, all of his indiscretions are blamed on his obvious disease, alcohol.  However, through the years he has done nothing to challenge that disease knowing how its affect damages the people in his life.

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A selective memory of what he does while under the influence is the general day after.  Everything he does is without the regard as to what he does to those that love and care about him while he is under that influence.

It is the excuse for infidelities, lies, broken promises, disappointments, hurtful words and so on.  The day after seems like a nightmare in itself as he goes through his PAWS (post alcohol withdrawal syndrome).  Sometimes you feel like you would rather he be drunk, because sober he is a real asshole most the time and not very good company.

Narcissist use the word “Love” as one of the tools to obtain supply.  They see it as their gift to you, that they “love you”, so it makes it okay for them to use you.  They extract everything that they need, at the expense of others emotions, well being, health, finances… life!

Those calls come day or night nonetheless, but its within your control to accept them, or not to continue the connection.

Echo thinks….

Wait!  Aren’t you sleeping in another’s bed? Didn’t you leave me and then blame me so you could leave me without guilt, to be in this other’s bed?  Isn’t that real? Were we real?  Is anything real with you?

Echo should hear…

Don’t answer the phone. Don’t fall for it again, he’s just drunk and alone. You are not the love of his life, because he doesn’t know what is needed to love in life (that pains me).   He is going to say, “I love you more than life itself, to the best of my ability to love”.  So, he knows it breaks the heart and it’s his lack of ability to share his.

We long so badly for the man to be the one that made us fall in love with him, but we feel nothing but disappointment, over and over.   It is almost ridiculous.  You know the truth, don’t want to accept it, think that its going to be different, but you still know the reality. The layer of this onion will only bring tears with every layer pealed. There really is no reward, there is no happy ending with a narcissist.

The Other Woman to the Other Woman

I have been a foolish woman.  I stood by a man that cheated on me throughout our relationship.  I went into some sort of crazy denial, supported by his “gaslighting” that it was all in my head, my irrational jealous feelings…  I watched him cheat on the woman before me, and again the ones after me.  It didn’t start out that way, but quickly became that way.  There came a time that I was almost complacent being the “Other Woman to the Other Woman” for nearly a decade.  What the hell was I thinking?

What kind of person does this to anyone, awakening a spirit of fire from deep within a soul and then, throw a gas mixed water, just to watch it rage and then simmer?  So cruel, insensitive, painful for the one who received the Love Bombing, to only realize that its a pattern, a way of life, a norm for the narcissist.

This behavior is part of what takes place causing trauma bonding. It creates an addiction to a person, in a sort of sense.  You have invested so much of yourself into them, you have a difficult time separating.  Its like a game of bait and catch, the carrot and the stick… Call it what you want, it is all a sadistic trick to maintain their “supply”, to be added to their harem, have a back up and keep you hanging indefinitely.  Until you decide not to, that is…  NO CONTACT is the only answer, or everytime you replenish yourself from the hurt and chaos that they cause, they hoover around again and start the process all over, until you have nothing left to offer once more.

SoulmateThis Trauma Bond is a bond, but it’s not one of love, but of addiction and develops from the abuse you experience during the tug of war of your mind and heart as its played. You are my “Soulmate”, they may say.  But honestly the only soul is within the one that has one.  There is no “soul” mating with one that is soulless. This is not said to be mean, the truth is that someone that suffers from a Personality Disorder of narcissism has an empty hole in place where a soul would dwell.

We could spend a lifetime trying to fill that hole, reach for that soul, however it has never developed, therefore… is missing.  “A Soul with No Footprints”, as I have once heard, leaves no imprint on life.  The narcissist casually passes on by, never looking back, touching what it is they want, and leaves like a thief in the night, leaving destruction and tormented hearts.  They lack emotional empathy.

NO, it’s not you!!!  They are soulless!!

How did they get that way?  There are many reason’s that a narcissist is the way they are. Many suffer from addiction as well (as in my case, he was a serious alcoholic), because they use their drug of choice to numb their pain. I’ve heard that one for years first hand.

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The day after’s are generally roller coasters.  They forget what they have said, or just said what they did  to obtain the reaction, attention or supply, once again.  They love to tempt those waters.  When rejected, a narcissist suffers “narcissistic injury” and I can assure you that they are tormented by that.

My ex-narcissist use to say “silence is deadly”, the silent treatment is used as one of their favorite punishments.  This takes away what little worth you may feel you are to the narcissist and conditions you to believe that you are expendable, without loss to them.

Oh, don’t let this become part of your psyche.  You are VERY valuable… you were chosen by the narcissist to offer a unique supply that they were unable to obtain from someone else.  If they continue to hoover you over and over, you know that the bee is seeking the nectar from this flower.  Know this is not out of love or adoration for you, but for only the nectar.  The bee will fly off to seek another supply too, but may be back tomorrow to revisit this flower (if you let them).

THEY NEED MULTIPLE SUPPLY

Narcissists need outside sources to make them feel complete.  Funny, the ones abused have the same need.  Both are not feeling fulfilled within themselves.  What a terrible shame that a narcissist will never change, and those that love them struggle with letting them go, because they want to be the one that does.  It’s a never ending battle with a well recognized personality disorder that destroys everyone that it touches.

False Envy

I guess I need to get over this part, so do many others that have been discarded by a Narcissist.  Let me see what it is that I “Envy” about the New Supply…?? Hmmmmm…..

https://allshookupagain.blog/2018/09/24/false-envy/

  1. She is with him….

Well, that really is nothing. If I wanted to be, I would be with him too.  All you have to be is convenient and answer the phone. Hmmm…

masked woman

  1. She looks OK, is it her beauty?

No, I don’t think it’s her beauty, because I know that I am more attractive than her.  Even that comment was made by him to me numerous times… So, that can’t be it.

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  1. She is living my life and all that he and I talked about, right down to the house, location and accessories.

No, this isn’t it.  She is the one that is supplying that lifestyle, just as I would and was before. He isn’t contributing to that life, he is just using it as a projection of himself.  It is image…. And not even his…

broken plate and glass

  1. She has his loyalty?

Ha, now that one isn’t true at all.  I have to remember this.  If he was so loyal, I wouldn’t receive the calls and the love messages to this day.  He wouldn’t be on dating sites right now.  He wouldn’t be talking to other women (self-admitted).  He would not have carried on two separate relationships until I recently fled (again).  He wouldn’t seek to come to me or ask me when I am going to come to him.  He wouldn’t share all the crazy thoughts he has about her that are disparaging with me.  I have no doubt they were said about me to her as well.  So, loyalties… she doesn’t have that either.

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  1. She can dream of a future?

The key word here is “dream”.  I dreamt of many futures that were created by his words and promises.  However, even though he is with a New Supply, he still talks about “our future”, how we will be together… Not true, I’m sure he says the same to her…. The one before thought she was getting an engagement ring at Costco. Ha, Costco…. I don’t mean to laugh about that, only that is was said to me to try to make me jealous, but it made me think how crazy that was, to buy an engagement ring at “Costco”?  I don’t know.  It just didn’t represent to me making the effort, making it special… a Costco engagement ring that can be found in the isle after bulk dog food?  The only future I can even imagine will be the future that she creates and then spends a lifetime taking care of him (while he cheats, drinks and lies).

The TRUTH here is…

beach woman

There is nothing to envy about the New Supply.  I kind of feel sorry for her when I resurrect my Christianity.  I feel badly that she thinks that this life is better than the one that she once had. It will take time, but hopefully she will see it, before it destroys her.  I know this pain, and don’t really wish it on anyone.

I didn’t mean to fall in love with a Narcissistic man.  I didn’t even know what one was, until it all started to not make sense.  I gave of myself all I had to an empty black hole, because I use to think I saw the lost and angered child within the man that I love that suffered, and I wanted to be that comfort to him.  Well, I can still claim the crown of that comfort.  That’s what brings him back to me over and over, however it’s like the Tom Cat that comes home at night to be fed and cared for, to only roam the streets again the next day and pick up whatever “P****” that will let him in….

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When Twice Wasn’t Enough

I got lost in this world and can’t seem to find my way out.  I have been betrayed for so long, the pain is so deep within me that I can’t see my way anymore.  I have been living a lie, first with you and a woman, to only have you do it again with another.  I forgave you once, then you found another to recreate the scenario that burns my soul to ashes.

How can anyone endure this hurt?  How have I fallen in love with a man that doesn’t really love anyone?  It’s not my belief that you can’t, I don’t want to believe that you can’t.  The only love I have ever seen you display is one of addiction.  Not of the soul.

If she only knew… If I only knew…  The frightening part is, I did, and I am sure she does too.

I awake with nightmares of yesterdays, wondering if the dreams are real, or are my todays? I can’t remember a time of peace.  My head has been twisted to see only the façade that you have created.  I wanted to believe in you, but you are not believable.

A trickster, a joker, a con…. Why?  What is broken so down deep inside of you that you must hurt anyone that dares to love you?  I thought I knew you, but I really don’t… either you have changed, or I have awoken. I believe the latter.

Be patient you say, be patient for what?  For you to create another vicious crime against another heart?  And then what?  Come back to me?  Come back to me for another fill, affliction, assault on all that is good and giving?  That’s not going to happen.  Not this time.

I used to think that there was an ounce of integrity that I could support, defend, profess… despite all your downfalls.  You destroyed even that, leaving a little girl with an empty dream of who she once thought her father was, that became unmasked before her. How frightening for this beautiful child… how sad for her to love the unlovable.  Despite my silence, these thoughts and feelings I share with her and anyone else that was taunted to love this masked man.  I can see the same pain in her face, hear it in her voice, the twisted thoughts of reality that confuse the obvious.  I have felt these same feelings in my soul, while keeping them silent…  Loving a man that walks without leaving a trace of established foundation.  It’s all sand… and it washes away with every tear you create in those who have dared to love you, with every hot aired wind that reels from your lying lips.

Let go, I have… I have let every bit of the belief free of who I once thought you were.  I have seen the twine unravel and find that there is nothing but an ugly ball that requires another to mask the chameleon to fit in to a world that some might see as real, until the mask falls again… and it always does….

Two for One

It’s odd…

The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.

Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds. Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.

Once focused on a new day being born, the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana… Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is.  Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?

I thought tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant. The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations… Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.

Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….

Broken Paths

Broken Paths

I never thought that the soulful light that lives within me, could ever burn out. The light dims and my heart sparks, wounded and betrayed.  Broken heart, each piece slowly beats, until it doesn’t.  Airborne my spirit, as I feel a piece of me slip with every breath, fleeing from harm and sorrow. The tears that flood an inner soul that has been betrayed, after it gave all it had to give… to such one undeserving.

This flight of sincerity and passion has been traveled and abandoned for cynical needs.  The sick mind devours the purity of empathy.  The honest and sincere, walk a path of prey, stalked. How can one walk the earth in light, spreading only dark?

I once saw you as a mirror of me, but this is not the case.  Once swooned the kept emotions, now fear the path.

~KANA

Drop The Pocket Watch

We could have had it all, but yet you settled… again… on a false bottomed, BS facade of a life… a never ending black hole…

I’ll never understand this part of you and only wish you valued life so much more. I came home and my past swarmed around me, with a peaceful reminder of how valuable I am, my heart, my soul… I wonder over and over, how and why did I ever give them to you when you don’t even value your own. I have always seen so much more in you, than I believe you have ever even seen in yourself. As I am reminded by all that I know here, what a better life I once had, before I ran after that insane rabbit, down that twisty turning, convoluted hole… I clawed and cried as I did, just to have the strength to climb from the darkness, but for some reason, I wanted to bring that crazy rabbit with me…

Didn’t you want that? Didn’t you want to climb from the shadowed illusions that came alive in that twisted tunnel? It only leads to more diverted paths, don’t you know? A journey of success, unconditional love and peace can’t be found there rabbit… Wasn’t that all once your goal??

This is why I have uprooted myself once more, to see clearly, and now I do. Come out of that tunnel on your own…. Please, waste no more time… I once wanted you here with me… I wanted you so desperately to see clearly… I believed in you…. I hated the frustration of wanting to resurrect you from a world deformed. I once felt you were a piece of me in a certain way and I so desperately wanted you always to share in a different version of life that I know you have never seen….

Nivens McTwisp, stop playing with time… it is only wasted in that fashion…. Your 55 and now it’s time for you to awake…

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