I got lost in this world and can’t seem to find my way out. I have been betrayed for so long, the pain is so deep within me that I can’t see my way anymore. I have been living a lie, first with you and a woman, to only have you do it again with another. I forgave you once, then you found another to recreate the scenario that burns my soul to ashes.
How can anyone endure this hurt? How have I fallen in love with a man that doesn’t really love anyone? It’s not my belief that you can’t, I don’t want to believe that you can’t. The only love I have ever seen you display is one of addiction. Not of the soul.
If she only knew… If I only knew… The frightening part is, I did, and I am sure she does too.
I awake with nightmares of yesterdays, wondering if the dreams are real, or are my todays? I can’t remember a time of peace. My head has been twisted to see only the façade that you have created. I wanted to believe in you, but you are not believable.
A trickster, a joker, a con…. Why? What is broken so down deep inside of you that you must hurt anyone that dares to love you? I thought I knew you, but I really don’t… either you have changed, or I have awoken. I believe the latter.
Be patient you say, be patient for what? For you to create another vicious crime against another heart? And then what? Come back to me? Come back to me for another fill, affliction, assault on all that is good and giving? That’s not going to happen. Not this time.
I used to think that there was an ounce of integrity that I could support, defend, profess… despite all your downfalls. You destroyed even that, leaving a little girl with an empty dream of who she once thought her father was, that became unmasked before her. How frightening for this beautiful child… how sad for her to love the unlovable. Despite my silence, these thoughts and feelings I share with her and anyone else that was taunted to love this masked man. I can see the same pain in her face, hear it in her voice, the twisted thoughts of reality that confuse the obvious. I have felt these same feelings in my soul, while keeping them silent… Loving a man that walks without leaving a trace of established foundation. It’s all sand… and it washes away with every tear you create in those who have dared to love you, with every hot aired wind that reels from your lying lips.
Let go, I have… I have let every bit of the belief free of who I once thought you were. I have seen the twine unravel and find that there is nothing but an ugly ball that requires another to mask the chameleon to fit in to a world that some might see as real, until the mask falls again… and it always does….
The twisted spins that we find while flowing through this journey called life.
Stars touching our spiritual beings, echoing the thoughts of our inner minds. Taunting and teasing with the tricks it can play on our magical moments.
Once focused on a new day being born, the hope and inspirations we thought would bring us to nirvana… Is there such a place in our time? Will it truly ever be cleansed? The past, the present that is. Will it lead to a future, where all is once again in focus and not seem surreal?
I thought tonight the many dinners we shared in that little family restaurant. The talks of just this. It brought a smile to my face thinking of journeys with beginnings, not endings. Our joining in thought of all new tomorrows and aspirations… Oh how it seems so long ago. Funny still… precious thoughts arise.
Despite our paths traveled in separate directions, there are small times in space that I really never thought they would. But the memories still bring a moment of purity, where I remember a man and woman that connected so deeply… and shared more than just a two for one coupon….
I never thought that the soulful light that lives within me, could ever burn out. The light dims and my heart sparks, wounded and betrayed. Broken heart, each piece slowly beats, until it doesn’t. Airborne my spirit, as I feel a piece of me slip with every breath, fleeing from harm and sorrow. The tears that flood an inner soul that has been betrayed, after it gave all it had to give… to such one undeserving.
This flight of sincerity and passion has been traveled and abandoned for cynical needs. The sick mind devours the purity of empathy. The honest and sincere, walk a path of prey, stalked. How can one walk the earth in light, spreading only dark?
I once saw you as a mirror of me, but this is not the case. Once swooned the kept emotions, now fear the path.
We could have had it all, but yet you settled… again… on a false bottomed, BS facade of a life… a never ending black hole…
I’ll never understand this part of you and only wish you valued life so much more. I came home and my past swarmed around me, with a peaceful reminder of how valuable I am, my heart, my soul… I wonder over and over, how and why did I ever give them to you when you don’t even value your own. I have always seen so much more in you, than I believe you have ever even seen in yourself. As I am reminded by all that I know here, what a better life I once had, before I ran after that insane rabbit, down that twisty turning, convoluted hole… I clawed and cried as I did, just to have the strength to climb from the darkness, but for some reason, I wanted to bring that crazy rabbit with me…
Didn’t you want that? Didn’t you want to climb from the shadowed illusions that came alive in that twisted tunnel? It only leads to more diverted paths, don’t you know? A journey of success, unconditional love and peace can’t be found there rabbit… Wasn’t that all once your goal??
This is why I have uprooted myself once more, to see clearly, and now I do. Come out of that tunnel on your own…. Please, waste no more time… I once wanted you here with me… I wanted you so desperately to see clearly… I believed in you…. I hated the frustration of wanting to resurrect you from a world deformed. I once felt you were a piece of me in a certain way and I so desperately wanted you always to share in a different version of life that I know you have never seen….
Nivens McTwisp, stop playing with time… it is only wasted in that fashion…. Your 55 and now it’s time for you to awake…