All Shook Up Again

I got lost in this world and can’t seem to find my way out.  I have been betrayed for so long, the pain is so deep within me that I can’t see my way anymore.  I have been living a lie, first with you and a woman, to only have you do it again with another.  I forgave you once, then you found another to recreate the scenario that burns my soul to ashes.

How can anyone endure this hurt?  How have I fallen in love with a man that doesn’t really love anyone?  It’s not my belief that you can’t, I don’t want to believe that you can’t.  The only love I have ever seen you display is one of addiction.  Not of the soul.

If she only knew… If I only knew…  The frightening part is, I did, and I am sure she does too.

I awake with nightmares of yesterdays, wondering if the dreams are real, or are my todays? I can’t remember a time of peace.  My head has been twisted to see only the façade that you have created.  I wanted to believe in you, but you are not believable.

A trickster, a joker, a con…. Why?  What is broken so down deep inside of you that you must hurt anyone that dares to love you?  I thought I knew you, but I really don’t… either you have changed, or I have awoken. I believe the latter.

Be patient you say, be patient for what?  For you to create another vicious crime against another heart?  And then what?  Come back to me?  Come back to me for another fill, affliction, assault on all that is good and giving?  That’s not going to happen.  Not this time.

I used to think that there was an ounce of integrity that I could support, defend, profess… despite all your downfalls.  You destroyed even that, leaving a little girl with an empty dream of who she once thought her father was, that became unmasked before her. How frightening for this beautiful child… how sad for her to love the unlovable.  Despite my silence, these thoughts and feelings I share with her and anyone else that was taunted to love this masked man.  I can see the same pain in her face, hear it in her voice, the twisted thoughts of reality that confuse the obvious.  I have felt these same feelings in my soul, while keeping them silent…  Loving a man that walks without leaving a trace of established foundation.  It’s all sand… and it washes away with every tear you create in those who have dared to love you, with every hot aired wind that reels from your lying lips.

Let go, I have… I have let every bit of the belief free of who I once thought you were.  I have seen the twine unravel and find that there is nothing but an ugly ball that requires another to mask the chameleon to fit in to a world that some might see as real, until the mask falls again… and it always does….