First off, know that it is not you…
You may recognize how at times you act and behave out of character, we all have! We accept blame as the Narcissist conditions us to believe it is all our fault. Whatever may have failed, the narcissist will not accept any blame, for it would require them to be accountable for their actions and behavior. This is the narcissist performing their projection to “gaslight” you. A common defense they have a gift to perform and have used this technique throughout their lifetime. This protects them from looking into a mirror.
Gaslighting Their Common Trait
Gaslighting is a narcissist’s defensive trait that they use during your “Dance with the Devil”. There is a even flow of many notes to a melody for this waltz that we chose to dance. The partner that we dance with however, suffers greatly from this personality disorder that you must learn to understand to survive.
You likely didn’t know that your partner suffered from NPD when you first met. But, as time goes by and we start to experience our rational gut instincts that lets us know something is wrong. It is really necessary for you to listen to your gut, even if you are not sure what that something is.
This turns into Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance starts to play havoc with our ability to reason right from wrong. From the beginning, you need to know that you are “choosing” to dance with this devil. Once the signs appeared that this is a toxic relationship… you are suppose to RUN!
DO NOT IGNORE YOUR GUT!
If you continue to deny, discount or even try to rationalize staying in this relationship, specifically after your gut feels its natural instinct to run, you will surly fall deeply into a world that is a manifestation of the narcissist. And, in this twisted dark tunnel you will find that it will only be what they have created and want you to believe, but not what is reality. If you continue to dance, know that this is your choice. You really need to look at why you still wanting to dance with a partner that will pass you off to another in a heartbeat…. or worse yet, leave you standing on the floor alone!
From the instant you met the narcissist you may not have known they had this personality disorder. They can be very charming, charismatic and deceiving. This is their way of life, it does not change, they are in it for survival. Somewhere along the way however, you were sure to see the Red Flags. When you challenged yourself about the things that didn’t appear to make sense, you were likely being conditioned to have a different perspective by the narcissist.
They will now project onto you the fault.
Narcissist fit you for blinders to keep your focus on only what they want you to believe. You will gladly follow their lead when they are serving a purpose of filling in the blanks in your life. This is something that you need to discover about yourself to stop.
You have likely told by the narcissist that you were “imagining”, you were “manic”, “crazy” or created this situation yourself. Oh, what an illusion they create. It’s the backdrop to a spinning tunnel.
You start to believe their ludicrous justifications and become confused. You get lost between what is real and what is not. You are made to believe it is their way, or no way! They leave you longing, so you instinctively hold on tight to what you once thought was the “love of your life”. During the grooming stages of this unhealthy toxic relationship, you suffered conditioning. That conditioning has now become part of the glue (bonding) that keeps you longing and wanting to sustain this relationship. It’s called trauma-bonding.
After the initial love bombing stages, you have fallen into what you believe to be love. Then the chaos begins. You are left with a puzzle, trying of how to rekindle the love, passion, adoration that you once felt. Only now, you are looking trying to do so with their true-self.
Well hello Mr. Hyde…
The goods that you were sold, were damaged from the get go! Maybe you didn’t see it, or maybe you thought you could fix it. It is kind of like the “Beauty and the Beast” story… However, this one isn’t to be romanced in that way. From the get go, the narcissist has a plan, you play a part in it and are sure to be left in confusion at the end.
This is their objective. A confused prey is a easy catch!
A Narcissist knows how to keep you longing and on your toes. You feel off balance during this time. Some may even introduce through triangulation an old lover, that of course is still a “only a friend”. Don’t believe this, they are a former supply. They will make you believe that they are wanted by many others. This is to keep you frightened that they may move on to a new partner, but actually it is a need they have to stroke their own ego.
Most narcissists are pathological, so they believe their own lies and boost their own ego and make you believe it too. the narcissist generally has developed a harem of supplies that are all believing that they are “special” too. They are you, no different. They are not better or worse, they too have fallen for the attention that they have receive from the narcissist and they believed it to be real.
Each form of supply fills a role.
The Narcissists needs to continue their journey surrounded by those they offer them some source of supply. Be it adoration, status, sex, money… each supply has their roll to play. No one supply can possibly fill that role totally. Some of you out there may think “I play that role in the relationship” and you may well, for now. However, a Narcissist always grows bored and needs a variety of supplies to fulfill their emptiness. I am sure that over time you began to see those signs, the loss of attention, coming and going.
I have another article that explains “What Supply is to the Narcissist” that will explain how the narcisisst feels about their sources.
A Narcissist will go from idealizing you to devaluing you is a seconds time. If you have fallen head over heels for this relationship, if the oxytocin has been awoken it your brain, you are on for the ride! Better hold-on! Don’t get too excited about this however, the thrills are just as frightening as the chaos when it begins. This will be nothing less than an out of control rollercoaster ride that you will guaranteed to end with you begging to stay on, even after it makes you sick! Yes, that’s what I said… you “wanting” to remain on!!
The conditioning that occurs during this time is part of the on again, off again that is constantly triggering chemicals of the brain. It will leave you longing and wanting more or something that once made you feel wonderful, that now makes you sick. There is a real chemical reaction that occurs that triggers what some would consider an addiction to the narcissist.
You will want to fix whatever has gone wrong and try to recapture what you thought you once had (that wasn’t real by the way). This chaotic mess becomes a relationship norm, familiar and habit. Some become so wrapped up in the toxicity of this relationship, they will even begin to believe that they deserve it! Years will pass, many at that if you allow it, and yes it is you that can stop it or allow it! “I love them is why I stay”, is not the correct answer to this. You are suffering from the need to deny and the addiction to them is as a result of the “trauma bonds” that have been created.
Now what is Love…?
Have you forgotten what genuine love, compassion and partnership really is?
I know that I got lost in the cycle and had forgotten. Sometimes our common sense skips a beat with triggers of what we believe love to be and what we share with a narcissist. Know that there is something just not right here.
I have heard many stories from the followers from The Red Flag Society and honestly have believed it myself at times. Only I started to hear others talk about their relationships and tell their stories and felt that they were speaking mine.
We forget what it is like to love and be loved. You may start to see how you have casted aside what we know we deserve in a healthy loving relationship. We have forgotten what its like to be secure, cherished and adored. These aren’t just words to be said, they are actions.
Love, when experienced in a relationship is a verb, “to cherish, adore, have affection for”,
but a Narcissist uses the word “love” falsely, as a noun “an assurance of affection” .
Those that have been involved in a toxic relationship with a partner that suffers from NPD, will gradually find love (the verb) foreign. They forget that it was meant to be use as “to fall in love with another” . After time, the abuse, gaslighting, trauma bonds all becomes something you learn to accept as “love” . When in “Love” with the narcissist, their behavior actually becomes something that we think is acceptable.
THIS IS NOT LOVE!
Remember… Love is an emotion when you adore and respect someone. You want to share everything equally in with each other. It’s not just by words, but by actions.
Desire, lust and small gestures are NOT love. Fidelity, chivalry, dedication, honesty is. The narcissist will speak these things as they pretend to act out all these behaviors. This will be short lived.
The narcissist will put out their “False Self” and pretend to act and say what it is they what you to believe until they got you! What they are feeling and what they are doing are very different.
They will perform this charade just long enough for them to obtain from you the supply that they need and then Poof… they move on and hoover back and forth only when they “need” something.
The narcissist will display small efforts in increments as well, just enough to show their “love” and adoration, which makes you feel like something is growing between these two souls that have met. Only, you are actually developing a soulless tie to one another. They make you believe they are the loving, caring person you want to believe they are and surly will let you know there must be something wrong with “YOU” when you don’t see their efforts made.
The narcissist efforts are “minimal and momentary”, not “endearing or enduring”. You will be the one that is accused of acting crazy when you confront them with things that don’t appear as they seem and dare to question.
The Narcissist is INCAPABLE of…
- Seeing that their behavior is inappropriate.
- Having feelings that healthy people share when in love.
- Being accountable for their actions, excepting blame.
- Able to understand that their actions hurt you.
It is very significant for you to understand that the Narcissist is truly “incapable” of sharing the same rational thoughts as you. Many of them know right from wrong, know what they are doing may effect others, but they are incapable of having the same ability of conscious that makes them accountable for what it is that they do. Their personality disorder results in their their inability to understand that what they say, how they hurt you, as being wrong. They see you as as a target to obtain their needed supply. With this said, know they will do what they ever needed to fill their voids, just like a drug addict will do a drug, or an alcoholic, take a drink.
Have you noticed that the Narcissist has an addictive behavior as well? Gambling, infidelities, OCD, drugs/drinking, porn… whatever their vices. The Narcissist doesn’t wake-up thinking that today “let me ruin a life”. They think, “today, how to get what I need”. It is about them, not you! They haven’t an understanding, nor the emotional ability to have the empathy to recognize what they do to others. This is part of their disorder. Their empathy switch is shut on off, permanently!
You see, a Narcissist somewhere along their life has been conditioned too!
A Narcissist must project onto you, their faults, their actions, their change of heart, their need to gain more supply, by making it appear that “you” did something to cause the separation. This way is appears to those around them that they haven’t the fault and they can still look good in everyone else’s eyes. It will be their excuse to move on to a better “option”. Oh, don’t worry about that either, because they hoover over and over…
A Narcissist must make it seem that your “reactions” are “actions”, verses a response to what they have said or have created. They can not see, well maybe they can see… But don’t really care… that “they” have developed the path that they have lead you down, just to bring you to the point of breaking! This is so they can justify why “you” are the reason for their actions, verses them. An easy out as to why everything fails! They must blame you for “your” over reaction to a situation that “they create”. For them to admit that they created the circumstance, means that they will need to be accountable for what they do. A Narcissist will never be accountable, as we have already historically seen.
They find your weakness, they threaten you with the Kryptonite.
A Narcissist will wave it around, and then…
The attack… directly to the heart….
Evil wins… Good dies…
Imagine a dagger of Kryptonite being stabbed into your heart until it runs cold… It drains you of all your energy, purity, emotions that you have shared and given to the Narcissist… And then BANG!! You feel it, you feel everything slipping through from your heart. You feel that what was left of you, slowly drip with every beat… leaving you to die inside a very slow death. The ending of a love that you thought was once… the love of your life… left without answers, endings or regard.
A life partner that adores you, that is healthy enough to have these real emotions, feelings and actually share an ability to express them, respect you, regard you… would never try to destroy the beautiful qualities of a person that is in love with them or they truly love. True love will never resonate with a Narcissist.
One of the hardest things I had found challenging when in the relationship with a Narcissist was the “Dissonance”.
When trying to rationalize the irrational we go through the challenges of words verses actions. What we know to be right verses what is wrong within the substance of our relationship. Some people are stronger than others. Some are able to escape the dissonance, others succumb to the Narcissistic abuse and loose their ability to have clear sight on who and what the Narcissist really is. It is hard to find your way from the darkness that creeps upon you in these relationships. What you know to be right becomes in conflict with you trusting your own gut feelings and what is obviously rational. You have been told for so long that your instinct was just your imagination, that you actually begin to believe it!
I heard a caption in a movie once where a therapist was speaking to a woman that was suffering from panic attacks. She wasn’t sure as to why she was having them, given the triggers were not leading to clues of her life experiences. The therapist asked her why she thought she was having these panic attacks and the woman replied…
“Because I no longer trust people.”
The therapist response was…
“You see, it’s not people that you don’t trust, it is you not trusting yourself. You need to allow yourself to go with your gut feelings and know that it will guide you in the right directions”
TRUST YOUR GUT!!
When we are conditioned to not go with our instinctive gut feelings, we loose our able to trust ourselves in the decisions we make. This causes stress on our psyche and in some has caused panic attacks triggered by just everyday events.
A condition called C-PTSD, which stands for Complex Post Stress Disorder, is a condition one suffers from being subjected over time to a traumatic events, abuse to include powerlessness. It is much different from PTSD, for which is a condition that develops when an individual experiences, is witness to a traumatic exposure or event. Many people confuse these two types of diagnosis.
Many people that remain in toxic abuse relationships over time develop C-PTSD, as they have been conditioned to the abuse and suffer many triggers that are in their everyday life. Therefore, to reprogram ones mind to react differently to these triggers is far more difficult to achieve and not something that will occur over night. That is why people can’t “Just get over it” (how I hate when people say that…).
“Should I stay or should I go” ~ The Clash
We question why we stay? Sometimes it is to painful to leave. Once you are involved in a toxic relationship that creates a trauma bonding and you begin to see it in the irrational perspective of the Narcissist’s projected view. You are challenged to undo the mind manipulation and programming that has occurred. Their crazy rollercoaster ride is generally blamed on something you obviously did, what you have been made to believe you did that is.
DO NOT buy this… Not for a minute!! You can not accept blame for an inherent trait that developed within the Narcissist long before you ever even knew them! Don’t even second guess that!
Most of us grow up knowing the differences between what is right from wrong. Some may have grown-up with an exposure to this same type of abusive behavior and now mistaken it for love. How crazy is that you think…? Not crazy at all. “Familiarity breeds Content”, as my Grandfather use to say.
Abuse Equals Love? Really?
A Narcissist develops their way of thinking and creates their own rhythm of behavior to obtain sources they need to survive. They have grown into their traits that have served them well. It has become nature and necessary for them to survive, despite they will never admit to it. This is a part of the foundation of who they are. It becomes part of their make-up, character. There is no changing this. The only way to repair this broken house is to tear it down to the dirt and rebuild, brick by brick. There really isn’t enough time in their lifetime to do this. They have developed these traits out of their needs to survive. They know no other way. They have grown up in this sort of life themselves. Maybe an abusive parent or absent one. The youngest of siblings that needed to standout to be recognized. The child that found if “I’m going to be accused of it, why not do it” mentality. Any reaction, is some sort of supply to them.
“A little note here, this is why No Contact makes them crazy”
Narcissists seek out their sources very strategically to obtain the “supply” that they need. These traits are developed at very early stages in their life. A Narcissist knows what to do to get the reactions from the “Source” that will give to them the “Supply” that they need at “that” time. Recognize, this is incidental. It could be as simple an example as how bad behavior as a child got them “a” reaction, any reaction. There is no differentiation between negative or positive results. It is just the reaction or the attention that they seek. Through life a Narcissist develops a behavior pattern that creates the results they want to achieve “their” goals, needs and desires. Your are just one of the tools they use to get there.
A Codependent is a perfect suitor for the Narcissist!
A Codependent personality develops in very similar ways as the Narcissist’s. A Codependent will act out as a people-pleaser. They have found that performing people pleasing actions will bring to them the same attention they need and desire. A clear example of this could be how they may do something they know they shouldn’t, just to please someone else. This is a part of dissonance as well. A Codependent will do things that will put themselves in harms way for the sake of saving someone else, even their abuser. They seek a source of attention (some may refer to it as a project) and they use their similar inherit traits to help a Narcissist This trait makes them easy prey to the Narcissistic abuse. Their experiences in life with similar, if not the same type of abuse, is generally how their behavioral patterns were created.
Codependents must learn to assert strong boundaries while wrapped up in their people pleasing behavior. A Narcissist will easily extort the Codependent’s good nature of wanting to sacrifice their well-being for another. A reprogramming of the way they react to situations or toxic people is a step toward them protecting themselves from those, that by nature, will take advantage of them. There are many books and videos available on the internet that offer practice guides on how to develop these skills.
Codependent’s starve for a need to be needed, wanted and feel that they can achieve this by self sacrifice and by giving. They seek attention no differently than a Narcissist, just in a different manner and by a much different trait. Their needs are similar to that of the Narcissist. Both know what they need to do to get what they want for the results are both forms of supply.
While A Narcissist is “selfish”, a Codependent is “selfless”.
The Narcissist is destructive, the Codependent is self destructive.
The Narcissist is a predator, the Codependent the prey.
The perfect fit of Yin & Yang.
Both of these personality disorders don’t really change over ones lifetime. Truly, both need to curb their behavior and place significant boundaries if they do not want to injury themselves, or anyone else. If a Narcissist recognizes that they suffer from this personality disorder, they need to try not to take advantage of others when they are in their pursuit of “Source and Supply”. However, that is like asking a vampire not to suck the blood out of you! A Codependent on the other hand, must learn that their people pleasing behavior will not achieve their goals without deteriorating their well-being. They MUST learn to place boundaries to prevent those that are toxic from taking advantage of them. A Narcissist will not have any regard for another’s kind, selfless, giving traits. This match is very common and is perfect for the dance with a Narcissist for obvious reasons. But, this is a very dangerous playground for a Codependent.
Why doesn’t my support system understand….?
People that have not experienced this cycle generally do not understand the complexity of this type of relationship. Each plays their own role. Those that have lived this cycle somehow think that their circumstance(s) and relationship(s) have been different than yours… Oddly enough, most that will criticize you for having these feelings of loving a Narcissist, generally have loved one as well. Those that have not experienced a toxic relationship, or do not share the qualities of a Codependent and can clearly see what the codependent can’t. People grow frustrated and tired of trying to offer advise and even some will become cruel out of frustration. To them which is obvious, to you is not. Imagine someone telling you there is a wall in front of you, and you keep speeding toward it! They scream, they yell… they may even throw themselves in front of you. But, you don’t listen, you keep speeding toward that wall. They can’t make you see what you do not.
Which brings us back to the “Cognitive Dissonance”
The people in your life that love you, know you for years, know you before the Narcissist in your life, such as family, friends… all wonder, “What the heck are you doing?“. I personally experienced an inability to explain this to others when I was asked. This is part of the “Cognitive Dissonance”, knowing the right from wrong and still trying to justify the wrong to be right… even though it made no sense, not even to myself.
When we know things that occur are not right, when we know that another is acting in ways that is unacceptable to just about anyone that is healthy in standards… We have a want to defend their behavior, hide the circumstances, pretend that such isn’t really happening. We try to protect our core feelings by doing this. We have been conditioned and believe that “No one knows my Narcissist as well as I do” …
This is not true, it really is NOT true! We want to believe that we know them better than anyone and you may know the patterns… Only, your rational thought has been altered by the conditioning of the abuse that you have experienced when you had dared to believe differently in the Narcissist. Therefore, in a polite way said… YOUR NOT THINKING RIGHT! Not right enough to really see or understand that you are wrapped up in is an abusive toxic relationship.
You have forgotten what is right because of how you have been conditioned to believe what is wrong. You have become the victim to the Narcissist’s masked face, seeing only what you once saw they were, which is the “False Self”. The one you met during the “Love Bombing” stage. The one that previously put you on the pedestal and promised you the world. How wonderful all the love and adoration, so intense, so seductive. Your thoughts are now clouded. Dr. Jekyll really is Mr. Hyde!
If you have found this site or others like it, you are looking for an understanding of why you love the unlovable. The narcissist betrays and you haven’t really ever known their “True self”. They don’t even know their real self. The Narcissist will always believe they are justified in their actions and will slaughter those that love them when ever challenged or are threatened to be unmasked. You will go from being the sun that lights the sky (for which is how they once portrayed you to everyone they knew), to becoming the dark, crazy, obsessive maniac that causes their life to not go as they planned… This is how they justify what they have done to everyone they know. It gives them a good reason why they had to replace you with a new supply. You have now become the sacrificial lamb on their “slanderous” campaign. The Narcissist needs to do this to retain their mask.
Don’t believe that this behavior is directed toward only you. They will treat their family, co-workers, friends and yes, even their children the same way. Unfortunately, children grow up seeing this behavior as normal and begin to believe or mimic it as the think it is right. Or, they will submit to it becoming the Yin to a Yang, trying for a lifetime to please the unpleasable. Some children of a Narcissistic parents will become wiser for it, or as time goes by, find shame, embarrassment. They become confused and may unfortunately without the right guidance, become prey to more narcissistic predator throughout their lifetime.
When a healthy partner, friend, family member, professional, teaches a developing mind that is seeking vision into their trauma bonding to a Narcissist, they must help the victim to see the world for the way it really is. They can help to recondition the heart of those that have loved a Narcissist. To help someone through the process of what they have experienced you must have patience, compassion and true insight of the trauma bond that they have been exposed to. Some help isn’t always the right help. Judgment must be left outside the door.
There is always a development of “Dissonance” when trauma bonded to the Narcissist. When we think about it and try to rationalize it, we go to war within our own belief system. This happens almost the same way logic becomes corrupted in a computer. The Blue Screen pops up and you are about to lose all of your data and go into a total panic mode. You get nervous trying to figure out how you are going to prevent this from happening. Before the seconds tick by and everything you have invested into this relationship disappears, every minute of the time you have spent with your Narcissist is all erased… you go into a total panic stricken mode and it scares the hell out of you!
If you have found this article, it is likely time to re-boot!!
Take the opportunity when it is given to re-boot the way you think without loosing all of your personal data, only what was programed into your mind, heart and soul by the Narcissist. Don’t allow what you know to be wrong be altered by the Narcissist, as they are pro’s that will make you believe what they say and do is right. It will not serve you to follow them down there yellow brick road. This only serves the Narcissist the “Supply” that they need. They will use up and then toss you away when you are depleted. They will resurface however, should they see you have replenished. So, if you are one of those that seeks the hoovering, know it will come, when you have more supply to offer.
The definition of “Dissonance” is one word you MUST recognize and understand if you are trying to heal from a toxic relationship that has trauma bonded you! It is the key of understanding the what and the whys of your relationship(s) that you are looking for. This is why you can not see clearly to break from bond that was created between you and the Narcissist. The feelings that have hooked you and are embedded in your mind and soul, are as a result of how your belief system has been altered. Know that you have been a fish on this hook the whole time… just bobbing around in the water. Never to be reeled in, or released.
I had gone absent many times from my RFS page over the years. Either I had fallen back into the routine with my Narcissist, having my waltz with the devil, or found it myself hard to continue to infiltrate myself with knowledge and writings while I was living a contradiction to my beliefs. Sometimes to heal, you need a break from even the thought of what has happened to take you off course and direct your focus on self and creative projects that would distract you from pain and sorrow. I know as a result of my decisions to dance with that devil, I found it very difficult to face the realities of how it took away precious moments of my life that can never be regained. I have come and gone from RFS and believe me when I tell you, such has brought my life and health to my knees at times. I suffered near death, self-destruction and have had much fear that I would not rise again from this experience. As a testament to myself… I can say I am young, intelligent, attractive and successful in my own right, but have been a fool for the Narcissist that I chose to fall in love with. I have recognition through my own efforts made in life, and I have almost allowed them to slip through my fingers while being lost in the FOG loving my Narcissist. I fell victim to the master of manipulation… The Hyde, verses Dr. Jekyll…. just like you… and had loved even both. Yes, I said both!! I am sure some that read this can relate. I have been the Supply for the Narcissist in my life and felt empowered while being it, not realizing that I was losing myself while doing so.
Yes, they have a superior talent and ability in obtaining resources. One could even consider them an expertise in this way of life. They have found the tools needed to obtain from every victim. What it is that they need for their Narcissistic Supply, is something you have to give and damn it, their gonna get it! No matter what it takes! Know that you are NEVER the only, there is ALWAYS another that has been groomed awaiting in the wings. A new supply is always lined up and being prepared to fill in where you don’t and can’t. You very well may be that other one for another now. I called it becoming the “other woman to the other woman”. For whatever that one thing, that one need… you have been chosen to fulfill this supply in their life. You need to know however, that all your efforts made, everything you give, will fall into the never ending black pit of a person with this personality disorder, and never will that pit be filled…
Have your eyes wide open. Don’t be foolish to think that there there isn’t another. There is always another supply that will fill those shoes, another victim awaiting for your shoe to drop, so they can fill it! Oddly enough, they happily step into those shoes, because she have met the “False Self”, just like you did in the beginning. Know that in time, the mask will fall and they will find in the Narcissist the same traits as you, and remain victim to them as long as they allow themselves to. Remember the love bombing stages? They too will think that they are the “special one”, that they are the “only one”, but really there is no “ONE” ever, there are many in a Narcissist harem. The Narcissist requires many supplies and varieties to keep their needs met.
The solace you may find is that they are no different than you, nor will have anything differently than you have shared with the Narcissist. They never change and it is only a matter of time until they unmask themselves. They are truly just another victim to the prey. And, if you dare to be jealous or envious, just know… that they too will suffer the same cycles. Feel more pity that pain for them. It never fails.
When the ID&Ds occurs, Idealization, Devaluation and then the Discarding… know the cycles, behaviors and circumstances. They never change and once you start to see the pattern, they are like clockwork. I found at times that I could even see it coming, or what was to happen next. A Narcissists behavior is text book. Just follow the story line. Just know, they will never become humble…
The truth is that they don’t even know what it is that they do. It’s a part of their personality disorder. At times I still hurt for my Narcissist knowing that he doesn’t even know the harm he afflicts upon others, or maybe he knows, but has an inability to have the regard. I thought I was the “Beauty… to that Beast”. To this day I know that I am probably the truest friend he ever had, as he still regards me as his best. This is because I never would lash out the harm, when I was struck with his venom and Lord knows, I can be venomous if needed. But, I don’t want to change who I am for all the hurt that I have experienced. I like me… and the lesson I’ve learned was to forgive the unforgivable, but never allow it to occur again. This gave me peace.
The hundreds of articles that I have shared on RFS, have been as a result of my own need to find answers… I know that so many go through the same hurt and challenges. I just hope and pray that at least one victim is validated, finds within my words and experiences what they need to hear. I hope all find peace and freedom from the bondage of the Narcissist and not waste another precious moment of their lives. Give of your heart to those that will cherish it.
I, as the founder of RFS, have been writing a book for a few years, and have outlined much of what I have learned from this Personality Disorder and how victims have been affected, even some right from my pages have lost their lives as a result of what abuse they have endured… I’ve witnessed it and have been saddened by it over and over. Please embrace all that is good, know you are worth the love of first, loving yourself… There are no stories or articles that you will find out there that will ever say that the Narcissist will change, or magic makes your circumstance different. There is hope that they do… but, it’s really not possible… It’s more likely you will meet a unicorn. They are to conditioned. From the time of being a small child, they know no other way. My friends and I use to say “you speak to them in English and they know nothing but Chinese, but if you spoke in Chinese, they would only understand English…”. You will never be on the same page as them, trust those words…
Embrace yourself, embrace those that love you. I am sure many have distant from you during the times of needed support. Know they see when you are trapped in the cycle. They have likely tried their best (or I should say, the best they know how), to help untangle those webs you are lost in… but they can’t stop it, they can’t stop you… only you can stop you!
RFS developed for the purpose of The Red Flags Society “Seeing the Red Flags, and why we chose to ignore them”. Again, Dissonance is probably the most important, most significant word that you must understand during healing. Understanding the confusion and why you are going through the pain… will bring you to a cognitive understanding of why you were there to begin with.
RFS embraces you all… We are in this together. One day at a time, one step at a time… The FOG will lift and the sun will once again shine once you are able to see clearly again…. NO CONTACT!