The narcissist can never let it be known what they have done to their victims. This would taint them with a lingering foul smell, that would prevent them from obtaining new sources of supply that they need to survive. You will be a sacrificial lamb and know there have been many before you and surly to be many after you!
The narcissist must destroy everything in their path to cover up what they do. They are unable to proceed forward in their lives without doing so. They thrive on the attention that is drawn from others based on the drama they create. They will orchestrate “any scenario” just to watch how their victim will react in pain and disbelief. No one can sanely possibly understand how they can be so callus and cruel.
Unless of course, you understand narcissism!
A narcissist causes chaos and malcontent, because of their unstable, unpredictable behavior. They will never feel guilt or remorse for their actions, for those emotions have never developed in their souls or heart. They covertly destroy their victims, before it becomes clear that they are the creator and masters of the games in this playground witnessed.
The paranoia that a narcissist hides has them believe that every action that surrounds them is a set up to catch them in the process of their dirty deeds. A quick, strategic cover up must be in place before their mask can fall and they are revealed. If you pay attention, you can even see the change in their characteristics just prior to this occurring. I call it the “square face”.
They MUST destroy the credibility of those that they have abused. It is a classic trait with this personality disorder. They will attempt to annihilate anyone that knows the truth about them, before they can be unmasked and will do ANYTHING they can to reverse the view of their persona on to their victim, making the victim appear crazy and delusional! A malignant narcissist knows how to perfectly set up this scene. It is second nature. When they know they have tripped up, they will just reverse the roles making the victim look as if they are the one that inflicted actions of abuse and made to feel guilt for questioning them. This will occur with anyone that crosses the path of the narcissist, from friends and lovers to family and co-workers.
Why do they do this?
Self-survival and entertainment is their objective. The narcissist needs to extract from a source a needed supply with as little to no effort in giving anything back. Because you see… it is not their nature to give, but to take.
They will set out to sabotage any circumstance that will bring their source any sense of security, love, control or stability. They must knock their victims off their feet at just the right time to assure that they have the upper hand. This keeps their victims confused, unstable and off guard.
A holiday, special occasion, something that victim might be excited about, that they were promised, WILL FAIL! A narcissist will use this time to cause disappointment, hurt and inflict injury upon their victim, keeping them waiting, longing and even make them submissive to the narcissists needs and time frames. This is part of their conditioning of their victim for the ride that is yet to come.
When their victim is suffering a loss or fear, they are at their weakest most vulnerable time and can become very easily roped into this cycle of abuse. The control is premeditated by the narcissist. The twists of terms of any circumstance will be altered by the narcissist, avoiding proof of them being the core of the chaos. They begin the psychological warfare with their victims causing illusions, projections and facades of the reality. This confuses their victims in a time of need, hope and despair. The narcissist will pathologically lie, project and gaslight their victims until the victim believes it themselves and accepts the blame for whatever the narcissist accuses them of. Victims will succumb to this abuse and will do almost anything just to stop the hurt and try to preserve what little they receive from the narcissist in regard. The victim begins to no long believe in what is reality, but becomes wrapped up in the delusional world that the narcissist has created.
Traumatized by psychological abuse...
When a person has been psychologically abused by traumatizing events over a periods of time, they remain in the tormented grasp of the narcissist. They begin to believe in and take blame for almost anything that the narcissist projects onto them. They may even beg for forgiveness for things they know they didn’t do or say, just to be in the good graces of this toxic union. This is when it should be recognized that a trauma bonding is being developed.
A narcissist will use many forms of manipulation during this cycle to confuse its prey. What a very strategic game that has been foregone, building a victim up just to rip them down. Such twisted paths are led by this distorted manipulation. They have developed their techniques over their entire lives and have developed expert ways of obtaining what they need out of every source for their supply. A narcissist will do the unthinkable to obtain what they need.
Many narcissists are well educated by their role models in life. They have witnessed these techniques and now mimic them.
Narcissist need to gain what they feel, is their entitled source of power!
With a superior God like ego, the narcissist reflects a false persona of success, strength and power. The reason they do this, is to secure their status in the eyes of others. Their need for validation cannot be filled from within, because deep within their psychological structure, they truly feel inadequate and loath the person they “really” are. I have never been a believer in the cliché “Fake it till you make it”, but in a sense, a narcissist lives their lives this way. Unfortunately, they never make it, because NPD is to embedded in who they are. This personality disorder prevents a narcissist from ever achieving any true success, self-earned.
How many times have you heard your toxic partner say, “I hate my life”, “I wish I was dead”, “Why do you hate me so much?”. Somewhere in between these lines, if you pay attention… they will mention “you” and what role “you” have played in making them feel this way. This is their way of “projection”.
The term for projection in Narcissistic Abuse is called “Gaslighting”.
A narcissist will attempt to make you feel responsible for the way they feel about themselves. This creates the “pity me” scenario that they use to discredit their victims. This lays the foundation for their needed adoration and attention from others When they are consoled in support of becoming the victim, verses their real role as the predator, it strokes their ego sort of speak. In that way, the offer of supply that the narcissist needs is extended by the victim or others in support of them, with nearly no effort made by them.
This replenishes the narcissist’s fallacies of grandeur. It supports their need for validation, something they cannot find within themselves. The narcissist will repeat this cycle until their victim has nothing left to give, making them a “doormat” supply, that grows into them willing giving the narcissist their supply, expecting nothing in return.
If a victim has made themselves absent from the narcissist’s life, or is being blamed for the reasons the narcissist life is failing, a victim will encounter narcissist abuse and trauma bonding that is triggered and try to do anything to “make things right” again.
When a victim is accused of abandoning the narcissist, their conditioned traits draw them back into the narcissist’s web. They are made to feel a term called FOG, which stands for “Fear, Obligation and Guilty“.
The narcissist is driven by their need for attention and adoration and the victim being the source of the supply will almost voluntarily hand it over. A narcissist has had these feelings of self inadequacy long before a victim has ever met them and honestly, there is nothing, no love, status or ego stroke that can be provided that will help them to keep up the image that they need to love themselves, or you!
Why does a narcissist need to destroy, devalued and make their victim look “crazy”?
Long ago, my grandfather told me that “When people get out of control, you get in control”. I can remember, even as a small child, watching the chaos that he would create and then how those around him would respond to it. An outrageous argument would breakout and everything would escalate, causing everyone involved to get emotionally upset, nervous and unstable. This is where the game of ping pong begins. One would blame the other, each would develop their defenses and then there would still be blame and shame for something that never really happened at all. It was all a part of pitching one against another and the chaos that it would create. Sadly, entertainment and attention was the goal. I watched this within my own family since I was old enough to understand and even joined in. Each and every member would try to defend themselves from being guilty of an incident that didn’t exist. But, it was my grandfather that created the scenario for entertainment and attention, for himself that is!
I can remember watching my grandfather take a step back from the argument after he stirred the pot, and then just let it roll among those he involved. He would watched the chaos. After, in a calm and collected voice, he would nod his head, and say “See, this is what I was talking about. Look how out of control you are”. Everything would stop, and then the blame and shame was installed on the ones that were placed in the game played.
When I became of a certain age, these same strategic tactics were played upon me, for I became groomed as well at very young age to think that this chaos was normal. Hence, the conditioning that prepared me in life to fall easily prey to the cycles of abuse with a narcissist. And, of course, take the blame at the end for something that I “didn’t do” and led to believe I had myself.
The conditioned prayer of forgiveness.
Generally, at the end, the victim will apologize, suppressing their real thoughts and feelings just to end the pain and chaos that has occurred. It burns down deep in ones soul when you take blame for something that you had no hands in and submit to a toxic person just to end it. A victim learns to grit your teeth, take the abuse, receive no reward and lose a little more of themselves each time. It never sits right, so as a self-defense, a victim will become numb, or break. There may come a time that a victim will “snap”. The strongest of wills can still be broken. This will be used against the victim too, as their response will be their branded title of “crazy”.
The narcissist will provoke their victims. They will seek their reaction to prove that their victim is out of control. They will not take any responsibility in the cause for their victim’s reaction and most importantly, they will initiate the circumstance to create this scenario for it to be witnessed by those that they have disparaged their victim to. “Ah-ha, there’s the proof, see how crazy they are”. When the victim tries to defend themselves to others that have witnessed this, their credibility will have been damaged. Others will have no idea as to what has caused this person to have such a reaction. Therefore, they look upon the victim as if they are “crazy”, “out of control” and “delusional”. Now the narcissist can just sit back and watch the top spin from the string they have pulled… and they feel justify knowing that they caused it but aren’t receiving any blame for it. They will feel free of any responsibility to the drama and chaos that occurred and now their victim looks like the lunatic that they have been portrayed to everyone that they were.
The Breaking Point.
Even the strongest of people have breaking points. The narcissist has learned just how to get them there too! They will push every button and because they have already been educated on the vulnerabilities of their victim, will pick every scab, slice and dice every nerve and then throw salt onto the open wounds that they afflicted. This abuse over periods of time, has tightened this rubber band and then “snap” goes the victim!
Given the narcissist has such a need to be the center of attention, they use their learned tactics of breaking their victim, just to get the reaction and cause the drama. They seek to gain the pity, sympathy, reassurance and alliance from others. Should their victim finally reach their breaking point, they can use those incidents to prove everything that they had said about them all the while, that now justifies why the narcissist has done what they had. If their “Flying Monkeys” only really knew the true story as to why the victim was reacting in this manner, then the narcissist would lose their “team of followers” that they worked so very hard to obtain through the years. The Cheese would be Standing Alone! That is their biggest fear.
When victims are traumatized over long periods of time, they lose their ability to have emotionless defenses when trying to defend themselves against the harsh words and abusive behavior that they have been subjected to by the narcissist.
A dispirited victim has a difficult time defending their reactions, because of the abuse that had occurred over time. This abuse has brought them to act out of character. Their heart broken, feelings of betrayal, being beaten into a submission that is beyond cognitive understanding. The loss of their self pride, esteem and worth, all play a part in why a victim reacts. Their world is turned upside down and they have now lost the ability to unveil the truth about the narcissist without looking like they are in a state of hysteria. Many people will say “After all, if they were so bad, then why did you stay with them all this time and how could you you say that you love them if they did all of that to you?”.
Just for those that feel the need to make comments to a victim of narcissistic abuse, that further belittles their feelings, know that trauma bonding has occurred, and the victim is suffering from cognitive dissonance and conditioning. Personally, I have a problem with these types type of comments, because when someone says this to a person that has been lost in their relationship with an abuser, they too are unsure as to why they have feelings for them. Saying such things and challenging a victim as to the reason that their emotional attachment remained, is not recognizing as to how it was developed.
Narcissist lack the normal anxiety and fear to responses in heightened events and easily puts on their face of deception to look sane, while their victim appears distraught. They step back and watch the chaos occur and are unwilling to accept any responsibility for it. Therefore, given this isn’t their fault in anyway (they believe), they have succeeded in causing the hurt, pain and embarrassment to their victim and are back in the seat of control. The insult to injury will be when they say, “See, everyone thinks you are crazy”.
Alienation from Support.
Over a period, the narcissist destroys the victim’s ability to defend themselves to others and does whatever possible to alienate their victims from their support systems (friends, family, children). Unfortunately, the victim remaining with the narcissist also damages their credibility to those that do not understand the dynamics of how these relationships develop and continue. This all puts a spin on a victim’s life and the narcissist will covertly sabotage the victims support system.
When abused from traumatic events over and over, a victim will slowly isolate and alienate from others and even parts of their lives. They cannot explain the bond that they have developed with their toxic partner and begin to feel that those that they have turned to will no longer listen or validate their hurt, pain and fears that they experience. While a victim tries to unravel the web they have been caught up in and is trying to see the manipulation that has occurred, it the most critical time for their support system to step up to the plate. Unfortunately, some of that support has been damaged along the way, or the victim has lost confidence in anyone beyond their abuser, so they stop reaching out to the people in their life to share their feelings. Some turn inwardly with their experiences because they are afraid of what others may say and how they will be judged. They start to suppress all that they experience, leaving no outlets to talk through about what has occurred behind closed doors. When this happens, it could become potentially dangerous for the victim. They need an appropriate avenue to release what they think and feel to understand and reset what damage occurred as a result of the manipulation that created their cognitive dissonance. When they don’t have this ability, they can go into a state of hopelessness and feel that there is no way out. It can even push some to the point ending their lives to be relieved of this pain.
How to support those that suffer from toxic abuse.
It is very important that a victim feels safe to share their feelings and thoughts without being judged for having them. It is very difficult for them to express these feelings to begin with, but to be judged while doing so causes almost the same injury as the toxic abuse that they suffered.
Someone that needs to express what has happened to them should be able to with their family and friends, and if not, with a professional that can help guide them to recovery.
They are many groups that support those that go through this type of abuse all over the internet and in local communities. Al-Anon, SLAA, CODA, SONG and many others that can be found on the internet. These groups provide forums and fellowship with those that have experienced abuse from a toxic relationship or partner. Within these groups surrounded by others that have been victims as well, it can become a safe place to share “true” feelings, not just something that others want to hear. These groups can also offer support, friendship, education and validation.
I can not stress how important it is to understand this personality disorder.
To understand it will support the survival from being the abused of it.
The healing can’t begin, until a victim of abuse is able to express what has/is really happening in their lives and this must be in a place where they feel is safe for them to actually have these feelings. By them doing so, victims are able to go through the process necessary for them to understand what has happened to them and why they have allowed themselves to stay victim to this type of abuse.
Sometimes it is not possible for a victim to share with those closest to them. Sometimes, these are the ones that have helped create their acceptance of this type of behavior to begin with. Those that are closest to the victim may be to frustrated and have their own opinions and haven’t the patience to go through the appropriate steps that are needed to process this trauma without infiltrating the victims feelings about it. “Just get over it” is not as simple for victims of this type of abuse. Some may feel shame and judgement when approaching those closest to them that have witnessed and warned the victim over and over. It actually can cause more harm than good turning to someone to close or intimate to this abuse that doesn’t understand its origin, nature and psychological results.
There are specific groups out there for people that suffer from narcissistic abuse, where others that have experienced it as well, and have a better understanding of the cycles that led the victim to the state they are in. Being victims themselves, they generally show more patience, compassion and understanding.
If there is any hope for a victim to heal and find their way out of the darkness that they have been living, it must be taken “one step at a time”. Each step taken will reveal some type clarity as to how and why they had gotten into this type of relationship to begin with. A true cleansing is needed to heal and will offer them the hope and understanding of how they will survive and never tolerate it again. It is important to stay in the moment, not yesterdays or tomorrows.
Supporters of victims feel that a bulldozer smashing down the house that took years to build is the easiest answer to it all. They don’t stop to think however, that this is where the victim had suffered with their own cognitive conflicts and memories of their life experiences. There is love and hate that have occurred and a conflict of how abuse turned into love. A bulldozer effect could potentially destroy a victims ability to awaken from their abuse, for they will instinctively attempt to defend it, for the have been conditioned for a very long time to do so.
With patience and time, each brick removed represents a piece of the foundation of the life that they have lived. It should even go back further from the time of this event and relationship It will give a victim the ability and opportunity to understand how and why each brick was placed there to begin with. This not only helps with their recovery, it offers them a better understanding to avoid the same circumstances again in the future.
Everyone’s healing is done at “their” own pace, not others. If it is forced by those around them, they run right back into the crumbling building as it falls all down around them. It is like coaching a scared cat from under a car. If you approach it too quickly, it will likely run from you, right into the street and potentially be stuck by on coming traffic.
To judge and belittle someone for their feelings or blame them for having them “you got what you asked for”, “you knew what you were dealing with”, does not help a victim rise from this situation, it only helps to suppress their need to share and expel the abuse that they suffered. It is common sense not to abuse the abused, if you have any regard for their healing, avoid this.
Victims should never stay silent. They need to find a trusted group, friend or professional to help before they curl up in a denial of all the feelings they have and the fears of why you have them. If they aren’t able to dissect them, the cycle will never end and they may forever remain in the chaos or continue to seek out the same dynamics in future relationships.
The Joy the Narcissist Gets from Devaluing and Discarding Their Victims.
Almost like a sick joke, the narcissist gets a kick out of what they do to their victims. Just as in Greek Mythology…
“Atë wandered about, treading on the heads of men,
wreaking havoc and delusion”.
The narcissist does the same to their victims. They encourage their victims, distract them from their hopes and then enjoy their failures when they are left injured and in pain.
The narcissist had chosen their sources to serve as a supply for a specific need and purpose in their lives. Each source possesses a unique quality that they have not and have a need for. They seek this needed supply through others, since they are unable to develop this within themselves. They use their victims as tools to reap from the fruits of someone else’s efforts made, nurtured and grown. Once the source is obtained, the narcissist will even use it to hurt the victim. Then of course the discard will occur when their source has nothing left to give and serves no other purpose.
Everyone has something that is worthy and unique for a narcissist to pursue. It just depends upon what their needs may be at the time. A gem to be grasped for a narcissist is a challenge, for they have no interest in breaking down a target that has nothing to offer and is weak. There is no supply or satisfaction in that.
A narcissist will seek out their prey by the qualities that they possess and use their strategic techniques to destroy within the victim, the light, beauty, empathy and intelligence that they offer after they extrapolate what it is they wanted. It quickly becomes a “take it and run” scenario!
A narcissist gets satisfaction from this game of thievery and it strokes their ego to know that they can destroy another while doing it. It is a sick game they play. It may not seem it, but the hard part to believe is they don’t even do it consciously. This is how they have learned to survive.
How to win at their games.
Firstly, there is no way to win in the tango with a narcissist. The winning is when you are set free. Right from the get go, know that the narcissist does not possess true inner feelings of compassion and empathy. They do not feel the same way as any person that has developed and grown into a healthy loving soul. They have an inability to understand or share in a positive manner with anyone. What they believe to be love, is an attempt to pursue their personal gains and will never be fulfilling to anyone else’s, not even their own.
If you were to try to engage in their game of manipulation, you would first need to stop loving and respecting yourself. You would have to abandon your beliefs in empathy, compassion and remorse. You would need to step down to low levels of pain and self-destruction for where there is no light shining and you may never find your way out if you dare to enter. This is not a place that you will find happiness, satisfaction or personal accomplishment. There is no winning against a narcissist, so please don’t make this your goal.
The only way to end the games that the narcissist engages you in, is moving on and getting away. Increase your knowledge of this personality disorder to save yourself from a lifetime of hurt and misery. Take what you have learned from this relationship, specifically what you have learned about yourself and self-validate your soul so you can resurrect, before sinking deeper into the quicksand.
Use everything that you have learned by your experience with the narcissist to heal what is within you that brought you to your knees with this toxic person. Use this lesson to nurture yourself, heal and grow. Know that you deserve better and will have better, when you are no longer willing to except less.
Shield yourself from the toxic overgrowth that has infiltrated your resources. Redevelop the love and compassion that you have given to the narcissist and now give it to yourself!