While you were with your narcissist, you may have…
- Been the “ideal” source of supply.
- Given them all the attention and adoration they needed when “they” needed it.
- Gave up a large part of yourself to do so.
When we fall in love, many of us want to make our love partner a part of our lives. We want to include our partner in our plans for the future. This is only normal to do you would think, right?
Well, not when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. There is a standard short rule that applies…
You give,they take and your efforts are NEVER requited!
That’s it in a nutshell!
It is hard to admit, but you may have allowed yourself to be abused. A narcissist will demean, belittle and berate you just for having normal feelings, obvious needs and normal expectations. And yes, you’ve ALLOWED it! Lets just keep it real…
You may have allowed many of these abuses occur. Given our past experience with the narcissist, we tolerate more than most. It is our instinct to tempt the triggering of our conditioned emotions of fear and pain. Some will do anything to prevent the ongoing abuse that we know will come. The aftermath of rage from the narcissist is very frightening.
Don’t dare to rock the boat and express your feelings! After all, when a boat rocks, especially during an unexpected storm, its scary as HELL!
Do we Fight or take Flight?
You just try to hold on for dear life and not fall out of that dingy that already has leaks. The volatile tossing, thrashing and the rollercoaster of emotional waves and confusion that occur create the “fight or flight” feeling. Instinctively and for survival we try to hold on tight. Originally the narcissist misrepresented to you their role in the relationship. This was during the love bombing stages. They have conditioned you to believe that they have become your lifeline, or so you thought.
When in the midst of their chaos, anyone would have difficulty in thinking rationally. Those that have previously suffered narcissistic abuse feel it is best to try and remain status quo. You been conditioned to know what the alternatives and consequences will be should if you express any needs.
You have been lead to believe it is easier to submit then drown. Under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t have even been in that darn boat without your own life vest, right? The narcissist has actually made you feel that they are your savior and without them you surely will not survive…
However, the narcissist will most certainly be the reason you drown! A narcissist will save themselves, before they ever consider saving you. There is no doubt about that!
You start to find yourself falling submissive to the most outrageous, rigid demands and limitations made by the narcissist. If a friend was in your same situation you would surely tell them to run like hell! If they didn’t, you would think they were nuts, right? Remember that point…
You have likely given the narcissist a sense of control over you. They begin to dictate,who you are, what you believe and even how you respond to circumstances. A once easy “NO WAY” response to issues that were against our moral fiber are now challenged.
When we fall in love (or what we believe to be love) it is our nature to want to share our special moments, emotions, happiness and even hardships during our journey with our life partner. After all, isn’t the relationship you share an intent to build a life together? (Hmmm…. Nope, not with a narcissist)
There are four stages of a narcissistic relationship.
The stages are textbook and are consistent to not only your situation, but ALL situations with partners that have NPD (narcissist personality disorder).
As the narcissist begins the “Second Stage” of this cycle, they start to revealing what is called their “true- self”. It is during this time that you begin to feel something just isn’t right between the two of you, they have changed. You go into a panic mode trying to figure out what has happened and make all sorts of crazy efforts to “fix it” (not even sure what it is that you need to fix) and this is when the narcissist starts pushing the limits just to see how far they can push you and how much they can get away with (the beginning of their cheat sheet of your psyche).
What is this new behavior? You feel as if you have just been knocked off your feet! You become vulnerable and unsure of where your Romeo or Juliet has gone…. Wherefore art thou ?? Revealed is this new personality and with it comes the covert abuse, manipulation, gaslighting. A narcissist will take advantage of this time of your vulnerability and emotions, truly as much as you will tolerate. It is a pre-test. They will see how long you are wiling to stick it out and what you will tolerate. Some will stick around longer than others.
The longer a supply tolerates this abuse, the better their chance of being placed on the recall list as a continued source.
“The Devaluation Stage”.
The narcissist will begin to comment and focus on your imperfections. Some of these you have even shared with them as your accomplishments of insecurities. This begins to breakdown your self confidence and esteem. Some of your qualities they once admired about you will generally be the targets.
A few Examples:
- Smart, they will begin to tell you you are dumb, ignorant, naive, stupid.
- Beautiful, they will make you insecure that you have become old, fat, unattractive, not sexually appealing.
- Successful, they will breakdown your accomplishments, take credit for them, belittle them, but surely have no problem living off the benefits of them.
- Smart enough to call them out on their behavior, you will be labeled crazy, manic, insecure, jealous.
Once the new persona appears, the “true-self” of your narcissist, you begin to question who is this person? What have I done to change them? How can we go back in time and recapture? What do “I” need to do to fix this?
Let’s cut right to the answer… You can’t do anything to fix it!! It is THEM!!
But, 9 out of 10 are not ready to just accept this, so we’ll keep moving forward…
“What you thought you saw, is not what you really get”! They are a narcissist, not your soulmate, not your Romeo or Juliet. You are now standing witness to the narcissist as their mask slides slowly from their face of this “soulmate” you thought you knew.
You are now meeting the “true-self” of this love of your life. This is the person that they really are and have always been behind the mask. You are just now living their “Act II”.
Why is the mask falling? Firstly, its because it is just to exhausting for them to keep up the facade. They secured their supply, now they are revealing themselves. Oh, don’t worry… I know some of you are thinking, “Well, they aren’t like that with their New Supply now”. Yes they are, or soon they will be.
The narcissist can not change and no one is really that special. This happens in every relationship that they have and really the length and tolerance lies within the one that is vulnerable to it for whatever their circumstances. The length of how long they will suck the source from the supply will occur for as long as the supply allows it. What looks pretty on the outside, is just as ugly on the inside as you have experienced. Remember when you tried to look at the glass half full? Do you remember when you were being love bombed? It is just like a script.
The narcissist originally came forth to you as their representative. This was the persona that you fell for, their “false-self”. They have spent a lifetime developing this masked persona, therefore many of them can be very good at laying it on thick and make you believe every word and every promise. This was the persona that love bombed you, mimicked your ideals, morals, strengths and interests. The one that you fell hopelessly in love with. The ultimate Soulmate!! Until the mask started to slip…
It was NEVER real!
All sources of supply. run out, are replenished and are drained again.
The cycle will repeat if you allow it.
This false-self was only a projection of what the narcissist created during the initial stage of love bombing in an effort to join with you in your life, interests and accomplishments. To secure you as a good supply. The more that you share together, the more the attraction. Some would call them a chameleon and later… a leach and emotional vampire…
You see and believe only what was projected by the narcissist. You shut down other’s opinions that see through the facade and you even deny your own gut instincts. All you can think of is how you have met your soulmate and now will live happily ever after with this perfect mirrored image, as the narcissist slowly drains you of all your energy, empathy, compassion and self worth.
The truth is, you have only met a narcissist
that is seeking a supply to resource from. That’s it!
Once the representative that you first met decides it’s safe to start letting go of their false-self and their true-self starts to appear, you will begin to see a very different person revealed.
The relationship starts to become challenging. Things don’t seem right. Normal everyday issues start to become amplified and escalate into arguments and are very hurtful and complicated, drama! The narcissists will start to demean you, disrespect you, lie, abuse, gaslight, withhold and prepare you for the tests ahead before discard. Discard is the next stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle.
Here comes the New Supply and Discard
This will of course only come about when they have found a new source of supply. Generally this supply is already being groomed and will likely replace you, or be kept on the side until needed.
Narcissists you see LOVE and have truly captured the art of triangulation! Oh, how they love to triangulate! They will use one against the other. A war of jealousy and drama will occur between the supplies, while each and every act feeds the narcissist what they need to feed off to sustain.
You see a narcissist can NEVER be without supply. If you are wondering why all those ex’s still linger, its because they have all been proven to be a source of supply for one reason or another from the past. They still fill the narcissist’s ego when they need it.
Of course you will hear that they are “just friends”, but this is not the case… they are historical supplies that were left hanging and possibly hurt without closure from previous relationships. Much of a following is needed to support the air that sustains the flight under the wingspread of the narcissist.
There are many forms of narcissism. Healthy narcissism is what most people display, however the dangerous types are pathological and aggressive.
Pathological narcissists have a tendency to devalue people around them and are driven by their intense need for adoration to support their self inflated grandiose image.
This is where the source of supply comes in.
A source of supply serves to rid the pathological narcissist of their prevailing emptiness. They drain from their supply the good qualities that they are unable to attain themselves. The pathological narcissist plunders their source because of their envy toward those that can feel joy and happiness. They will not hesitate to woo and charm, seduce and capture a source of supply that has openly displayed empathy, goals, compassion and success. They seek out sources of supply that have moral fiber, vitality, position and hook on for the ride.
Without notice or hesitation, should a new source come along that is more vulnerable and naive, they will quickly become critical, dismissive and set out to destroy their source of supply to justify their lack of regard and their need to move on to a new source. This leaves the narcissist’s supply confused and without closure, suffering self-doubt and a damaged esteem.
They will display promiscuity when seeking their need for attention, adoration and ego. The way they view it, is “anyone can be replaced” once they have lost their usefulness, newness, attractiveness or appeal. They never sustain a deep emotional bond, therefore if their source becomes droning, needy or problematic, they have no use for them and move on to a new source of supply without regard, regret or the wellbeing, safety or harmony of another.
There are no genuine feelings behind their words, therefore their emotional detachment is without pain, or remorse. Narcissist have an inability to accept fault or assume responsibility toward what hurt they may cause their discarded source.
Narcissist do not seek attention for adoration, but for self validation, therefore the source is really irrelevant. They will never be overly concerned about what others think of them, because the narcissist’s need for validation is to boost their own ego of superiority for power and position to manipulate. They will exploit their sources for personal gain, not for status.
This is why the narcissist needs more than one source of supply, each serves their own purpose. Be it sex, financial, children, work… each in their own will serve the narcissist in a way that will validate their self inflated ego (that is really miniscule on its own).
During the Devaluation Stage
During the devaluation stage and prior to the discard, the narcissist is feeling pretty secure that they have groomed their source of supply to stick around and the time has come for them to test the waters and see where their true-self will bring them. So, they start to change…
If the supply is caught on the hook as the narcissist suspects, they will become submissive to the narcissist’s stages of “devaluating” and start to accept crumbs without expectations. But, if the supply is secure with themselves and starts to pay attention to their gut feelings, they RUN like heck!!
Should a supply stick around, the narcissist will feel pretty certain that they have achieved obtaining this source and know what fulfillers they can bring to the table and what limitations they may have. A narcissist will take full advantage of their source by nature and will extract whatever they need, when it’s needed to fulfill the dark emptiness they have within themselves.
The narcissist needs many sources to meet their needs. There is never only a primary supply, but a second, third, fourth and so on. So, don’t take it personal, its not you, it’s them!
During the devaluing stage, it is hard for the source of supply to keep up that fallacy that everything is “Okay”, when it’s obviously not. They start to question why their relationship has changed. The narcissist will offer up all the reasons as to why it is you and not them and again, the narcissist without conscious will ultimately leave this source of supply in massive turmoil and confusion with no closure. It will be the final stages of the ID&Ds (idealization, devaluation and discarding).
There is nothing that a supply can do to fix this. No matter how high they jump or how many fires they role through, the narcissist has their agenda and it is without regard for you!
Once they have used up a supply, they are sure to already have sites on the new one. You can be sure that there is one out there being groomed and sooner or later, if the new source pans out, the narcissist will discard the old supply and make a new source the “Primary” supply.
If you feel a little panicked at this statement, know that they will keep you around, as long as you want to stick around and play with you like a fish stuck on a hook. They always come around for the “hoover”. This is the final and repeat stage if you fall for it.
Now that the “New Supply” has been secured, it will be safe for them to let the old supply go. The hoover will occur only when there is trouble with the New Supply. And, there is always trouble, because you see… they will do the same to them as they have done to you. So, when that call comes, or they show up, text or awaken their flying monkeys to see how you are, it’s because they are really just returning to a source of supply that once worked for them and put up with their BS. This is not a sign of love, but a sign of abuse.